Valentine's Day Role Reversal

Feb. 12, 2010 — -- She's engaged to be married, but romance isn't easy to come by in Heidi Littenberg's life these days. Her fiance's construction business has been faltering for years and the couple is struggling to make payments on two mortgages.

Financial stress isn't the only thing that's sapped that loving feeling: Littenberg, 46, of Reno, Nevada, says that the self-esteem of her soon-to-be husband has taken a hit because it's her salary, not his, that supports the couple.

"It's a pride thing," she said.

Littenberg is one of a growing number of women who will spend this Valentine's Day wearing the title of primary breadwinner. It's a role more and more women find themselves in thanks in part to a recession that's hit the sexes unevenly, at least in the paycheck. Unemployment rates for both genders was once fairly equal at below five percent, today male unemployment rate is at 10.8 percent compared to 8.4 percent for women.

But the recession is only part of the role reversal puzzle: The trend of women out-earning their male counterparts has been picking up steam for decades: According to an analysis of Census data by the Pew Research Center, 22 percent of wives earned more than their husbands in 2007, up from 4 percent in 1970.

The pratfalls of this evolution have been well-documented, with some women racked with guilt over abandoning stereotypical caretaker roles and men feeling emasculated and meeting with disapproval from traditional-minded parents or friends.

But experts say the good news is that many married couples (though not all; more on that later) have adjusted to the paycheck discrepancy and that, for younger mates, it's become a non-issue.

"What do couples do when men don't earn more money, I think, is a far less salient question for people under 40 than it might be to people over 40," said Barbara J. Risman, the head of the sociology department at the University of Illinois at Chicago and the author of "Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition." Young couples today presume that women are going to remain in the labor force and are negotiating new ways of handling their lives right from the beginning."-- N.C., Highland Springs, Va.

For most of our relationship (10 1/2 years) I have made more money than my husband. I have the college degree and steady work history. He has followed me around as I have moved up the ladder. Most recently, we were almost equal with his regular job, plus day care benefits, plus a second coaching job, but he was fired from his full time job for having the second job. Now, he is working a security job at half the pay while finishing his coaching season and watching 2 little boys.

I don't have a problem with making more, I am competitive, I still do all the housework and mommy duties that I need too, and probably more. I know at times he has had issues with the situation, but we look at our family as a partnership and bring to the table what we can. We're kind of like (the characters of) Lynette and Tom from "Desperate Housewives" -- I can be high strung and a control freak, and he's the comic relief and really great [at] everything else.
-- Chris Hartman, Salina, Pa.

My husband hasn't had a steady job in over 5 years. He's trying to get his own business going, and it's put a lot of tension on our relationship...last year we were almost at the point of having to file for bankruptcy. He has a job now, but it's straight commission, and he refuses to get a salaried job. We've been married for 21 years and this could be our last.
-- Pat, Phoenix, Ariz.-- Daniel Levy, Mesa, Ariz.

My husband and I are newlyweds and very happy. The only issue we have is that he graduated from ULM of Monroe in Dec. 2009 in Construction Management and is unable to find employment. ... He is employed with his uncle being a laborer on a farm for $8.00 hourly with no benefits.

I am the assistant manager w/a local loan company and now make $11.84 hourly with complete benefits. I pay 80 to 90 percent of our bills and he feels that he is not providing for me as he should. He has told me several times that he does not feel like a man due to the circumstances. I have tried to comfort him by telling him that he is doing his best he can and the economy is a huge factor in him not finding better employment.

We are both traditional people to an extent and are use to the man being provider and the woman being the mother and keeper of the household. He feels worthless and emasculated by the fact he is not the "bread winner."
-- Mandy Little, Jena, La.

My wife earns nearly double what I earn. She graduated college at 23 and got her career going. I didn't graduate college until I was 34. She's been in her career field for nearly 10 years; I've been in mine for 2 years.

All our finances are together; we don't have separate accounts. We live well within our means and it's never a problem except during Christmas time. I handle all the finances so I'm the one that sees the overspending during Christmas. There's some tension/stress; but I've backed off some because her overspending isn't really causing us money problems.

We're a team when it comes to any decision ($$ or otherwise). Since I handle all the financials, my wife laughingly told me once, "Honey, I feel like all I do is work and spend!"
-- Chris Crider, Austin, Texas

My husband and I have been married 22 years ... I have been the major breadwinner since we got married in 1988. My job in insurance had the best benefits and carreer growth potential and we wanted one of us to be at home for the kids.

He is infinitely more patient than I am. I value his contribution of taking care of the family & he values my contribution of earning the money. We both feels the other does more, which makes us appreciate each other possibly more than traditional roles. When the check comes for dinner at a restaurant, my husband slides it over to me.

My husband has a checking account for small daily expenses (gas, school supplies, etc) and I have the checking account with the major bill paying and big expenses. Both names are on each account, but mine is to pay for monthly expenses...

We have 2 biological children and 2 adopted children. Our adopted children are both special needs and our son is severally mentally ill. In 2006, my husband even home schooled him when he was too ill to attend public school.

My husband is 53 years old. He is my most precious gift. I wonder how many other men would give up their jobs to take care of a mentally ill son? I don't think that there's that many out there. We are blessed.
-- Cyndi Purtee, Pearland, Texas

I have been in a relationship for almost four years and during that time I have made more money than my boyfriend. It didn't bother me until now. He's always broke and I lately I have to pick up the bill!!! I also have kids and just bought a house so that's another expense I have.

He lives with me but lately it's been getting to me because I pay for most of the things. The money he makes is enough for his bills and I'm always having to help him out every month. I make enough and I know I don't need his money but it would be nice for him to pay the mortgage once. I love him so much but sometimes I feel like he's smooching off of me! This Valentine's I'm not going out of my way. I hope he does something for me ... I've done enough for him, financially and emotionally.

-- Adriana Roman, Little Elm, Texas-- Elizabeth, Milwaukee, Wis.