Curb your enthusiasm: Susie Essman's not actually as promiscuous as her upcoming book might have you believe.
Essman, who plays Susie Greene, the brash, foul-mouthed wife of Larry David's manager on "Curb Your Enthusiasm," devotes a chapter of "What Would Susie Say: Bullsh*t Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy" to over-the-top romps in the sack with less-than-worthy suitors.
"I stayed with men when the bells were ringing so loudly Marlee Matlin could have heard them," Essman writes. "I remember a guy I once dated who would say things like, 'Bob really likes Susie. Bob wants Susie to get naked.' … Then there was the freak who every time he went to the bathroom made me applaud."
The tales go on. They get more graphic. But according to Essman, they're just that – tales, fictional accounts adapted from her stand-up comedy act for her book, due out in October.
"No guy ever told me his inner child was Dame Judi Dench," Essman told ABCNews.com, referring to another anecdote from "What Would Susie Say." "That was just a joke."
"The basic tenet of that whole chapter is that when you look back at past relationships, a lot of times, you can remember when the red flag went off, when you knew it wasn't going to work," Essman continued. "That ding-ding moment. I give a list of those moments in the book -- signs you should run for the hills."
Essman, who married commercial real-estate broker Jim Harder last September at age 53, admits she dated her share of duds. Coming from experience, she believes people go deaf to the "ding-ding" because, frankly, with lust comes a complete lack of common sense.
"Sex should come with a warning, like medication: may cause dizziness, shortness of breath and total inhalation of self esteem," she joked.
Sex consultant-slash-comedian: it's a job Essman's trying on for size. Should she tire of playing the foil to Jeff Garlin's portrayal of a bumbling Hollywood manager, she would love to helm a talk show and talk dirty.
But right now, Essman's biggest role is on "Curb," which begins its seventh season on HBO September 20.
"You can expect more of the same," Essman said. "I get to do my favorite thing once again -- kick Larry out of my house. I get to do that more than once this season."
She added that David's former "Seinfeld" cohorts guest star on multiple episodes this season -- Jerry Seinfeld himself appears in four. As anyone familiar with the David oeuvre should expect, no character, least of all David himself (who is newly divorced in real life and on the show) has learned anything since season six.
"TV characters don't change in comedy," Essman said. "Your characters don't learn and grow and change. They make the same mistakes over and over again."
David echoed that sentiment in a recent interview with ABCNews.com while promoting his big-screen collaboration with Woody Allen, "Whatever Works."
"I don't evolve," he said. "I don't believe in character evolution."
For the sake of "Curb's" cast and crew, Essman hope that David's non-evolution means the show will go on. Right now, while HBO and the cast wants to continue on to season eight, David has yet to make the final call.
"The most difficult part of doing the show is after every season we never know if Larry's going to want to do another season or not. I don't know if we're doing a season eight, it's all up to Larry. When he finishes a season, he feels like it's exhausting and like he has no new ideas … but he always snaps out of it, so I'm hoping we'll be back."