'Curb Your Enthusiasm's' Susie Essman on 'Seinfeld,' Sex, Show's Future

July 28, 2009 — -- Curb your enthusiasm: Susie Essman's not actually as promiscuous as her upcoming book might have you believe.

Essman, who plays Susie Greene, the brash, foul-mouthed wife of Larry David's manager on "Curb Your Enthusiasm," devotes a chapter of "What Would Susie Say: Bullsh*t Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy" to over-the-top romps in the sack with less-than-worthy suitors.

"I stayed with men when the bells were ringing so loudly Marlee Matlin could have heard them," Essman writes. "I remember a guy I once dated who would say things like, 'Bob really likes Susie. Bob wants Susie to get naked.' … Then there was the freak who every time he went to the bathroom made me applaud."

The tales go on. They get more graphic. But according to Essman, they're just that – tales, fictional accounts adapted from her stand-up comedy act for her book, due out in October.

"No guy ever told me his inner child was Dame Judi Dench," Essman told ABCNews.com, referring to another anecdote from "What Would Susie Say." "That was just a joke."

"The basic tenet of that whole chapter is that when you look back at past relationships, a lot of times, you can remember when the red flag went off, when you knew it wasn't going to work," Essman continued. "That ding-ding moment. I give a list of those moments in the book -- signs you should run for the hills."

Essman, who married commercial real-estate broker Jim Harder last September at age 53, admits she dated her share of duds. Coming from experience, she believes people go deaf to the "ding-ding" because, frankly, with lust comes a complete lack of common sense.

"Sex should come with a warning, like medication: may cause dizziness, shortness of breath and total inhalation of self esteem," she joked.

'Seinfeld' Cast Comes to 'Curb'

Sex consultant-slash-comedian: it's a job Essman's trying on for size. Should she tire of playing the foil to Jeff Garlin's portrayal of a bumbling Hollywood manager, she would love to helm a talk show and talk dirty.