If Atkins isn't deflating your plump papa, he might need a life lesson from Elvis, who, in his later years, may have been referring to both his female fans and his prodigious gut when he sang "All Shook Up."
Now dad can be reminded of that classic hit each time he lifts the cover of the Elvis Singing Cookie Jar, available for $94 from Royal Appointments in Northbrook, Illinois. What better way to honor your King and still let him know that it's time to look after his rapidly expanding royal heinie?
6. For 'Wiseacre" Dad: Jackie 'The Joke Man' Martling's Insult Mirror
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's got the fattest head of all? Just ask Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling's Insult Mirror.
If you ever wondered what became of Howard Stern's former sidekick, he's now the voice in a novelty window that automatically spews abuse. Step in front of it and you'll hear, "If I had a face like that, I'd shave my butt and walk on my hands," or, "That face could give Freddie Krueger nightmares." In all, you get 67 insults for under $20. If you're paying for such abuse, at least you're getting a bargain. 7. For the 'Homer Simpson' Dad: A Home-Organizing Gift Certificate
You don't want to start a family feud by reminding dad once again that he's a lazy slob who's driving your mother crazy. Give the lazy slob a break; call in a professional. And, yes, there is a National Association of Professional Organizers.
At the Napo.net Web site, you can find seasoned professionals who will figure out how to shovel out your pa's garage, talk him into throwing out his Aca Joe sport shirts, and keep the basement from being declared a Superfund Site by the federal Environmental Protection Agency. Rates vary from $35 to $100 an hour.
Of course, six months from now, when you ask dad if he's used his Home Organizer gift certificate, he'll say, "Oh, I think it's on my desk buried under something."
8. For the 'La-Z-Boy' Dad: The Cheesecake Easy Chair
If your pop's principal pastime is melting into the living room furniture, DelightfulDeliveries.com has come up with the ultimate La-Z-Boy treat — a 14-inch easy chair made of chocolate cheesecake.
This $175 dessert serves 12 to 14, although if dad eats the whole thing, he may be stuck in the living room for good.
Buck Wolf is entertainment producer at ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files is published Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice when a new column is published, join the e-mail list.