The Dog Knit Sweater . . . and Other Valentine's Day Gifts

With a name like "Wolf," you might assume that this reporter has a special love of the wild. You'd be sadly mistaken — especially on Valentine's Day.

Yes, I've loved and lost. Not to another man. But to a canine. More than once I've come between a woman and her pet and walked away with nothing but dog or cat hair on my jammies.

So when a publicist called me up, hawking a dog-fur sweater, custom-made to order from your precious pet's fur, I just had to share it with the lovelorn.

If you have to proclaim your love to your significant other and her pet, what better way to do it than with a custom-made "chiengora" sweater, knitted from Fido's own fur? Sure, you might have to vacuum like mad to gather enough fur for a genuine Jack Russell terrier cardigan. But in the name of love, why not? It's too late for me to make amends, but not for you.

Every relationship presents its own challenges. This week, The Wolf Files offers Valentine's Day gifts that speak to the special quirks of love. Musical underwear and bubble-wrap lingerie aren't for everyone. Nevertheless, here are 14 ideas for folks who need more than roses and chocolates to spice up their lives.

1. The Vanity Press: A $25,000 Lovebird Biography Can you write your own love story? You bet. If you have $25,000, you can even publish it. Five Star Publications in Chandler, Ariz., says all you need is a brief summary of your sweetheart's life, photos (preferably not pornographic), and, of course, money. The company will hire a Cyrano to ghostwrite if you can't compose anything yourself. You'll get a 150-page hardcover to present to your sweetheart and 500 paperbacks to thrill/bore your friends and family.Suggested celebrity endorsement: Jackie Collins

2. Coming to Your Emotional Rescue: A Knight in Shining Armor

Prove your mettle on the battlefield of love. Greet your fair maiden in a fully articulated, 95-pound suit of armor. Museumshop.com offers an $8,000 reproduction of a foot-combat suit made for King Henry VIII. Interlocking plates protect the entire body. But the slings and arrows of your lover's derisive laughter might penetrate the iron. Suggested celebrity endorsement: Sir Sean Connery

3. We All Shine On: Be a Star … in the Sky There is a place for you and your lover in the cosmos. For as little as $48, the International Star Registry will locate an unnamed star, send you its telescopic coordinates, and register it with the U.S. Copyright Office. Suggested celebrity endorsement: Alec Baldwin, Tom Cruise or Madonna. These stars already have stars named after themselves.

4. A Rose by Any Other Name … Is Phyllis

Sending flowers on Valentine's Day — how trite. If you've got $75,000, you can have a unique, unnamed variety of roses bred and named after your sweetheart. Jackson & Perkins Company will fly you to its research facility in Carmillo, Calif., where you can choose your personal rose from several unnamed varieties. The company reserves the right to reject any names it deems offensive. Suggested celebrity endorsement: Kevin Spacey

5. I See the Real You at Last: A Guided Tour of Your Heart

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