Wouldn't it be something if you could grow an orange inside a cocktail straw?
Just stuff the seeds in there, water the thing, nourish it with some vitamin enhancer, some light, and several months later you've got a full-blown orange in a straw.
You're probably thinking: "There's no way. The circumference of an orange would surely bust through a narrow drinking straw. You, Heidi, are an idiot."
To which I would respond: "It's not nice, nor is it necessary, to call me names."
Then, I'd beg to differ with you, because something like that can happen. Contrary to popular belief, size does not always matter.
Case in point: Supermodel Kate Moss gave birth to a 6 ½-pound baby girl. How Does a Super-Waif Eat for Two?
Unbelievably, the 28-year-old waif-like (a word that must be derived from "wafer," something that is usually weightless, thin and crispy) creature actually conceived and birthed a baby with boyfriend Jefferson Hack.
Two things fascinate me about this. First, Moss has always been so ghastly thin — it seems unfeasible that her body could hold inside of it anything bigger than a plum. Second and more disconcertingly, as she never appeared to eat for one, how did she bring herself to eat for two?
I can certainly rationalize these thoughts in my own head as I realize the female body has the ability to expand and contract with little effort. (It's called the "yo-yo" and I "know-know" all about it.) I also understand that having a child can create profound changes in a woman's mental state and overall behavior.
So, although Kate Moss was rumored to be into drugs, not into food, a heavy smoker, an all-around party girl and a devil to work with in the fashion biz, once she found out she was "with child," she may very well have been struck with those instant maternal instincts and changed her entire way of life.
It seems unlikely, as she has that "SUPERMODEL" rep, but again, it's not impossible. Would Kate Catwalk With a Stroller?
Plenty of models have had children. Elizabeth Hurley gave birth earlier this year. Claudia Schiffer is now pregnant. Paulina Porizkova has popped out a few kids. Rachel Hunter has 'em. Cindy Crawford has two, and Christy Brinkley three. The list goes on and on.
But, in the aftermath, they've all had to reprioritize, as mothers do. And for these women it's even more life-changing, because in their line of work, a pretty face and good body is everything.
Reality check: Regardless of who the woman is and when she has a baby, her body goes to some form of hell in a handbag. Not to say that women don't look beautiful when they're pregnant. Indeed they do: the healthy glow, stronger nails, thicker hair.
But the body takes a hit. After giving birth, some women are able to return to their pre-pregnancy weight, or a close facsimile. Many more cannot.
The breasts change shape, some head south. If you were flat-chested before, afterward you're not.
For the average woman it is a difficult transition, but not the end of the world. After all, the benefits far outweigh (pun) the negatives.
For a supermodel, though, it must be a different story. No one in the industry is going to be interested in using Kate Moss wearing a revealing gown opened at the midriff if she's got shiny stretch marks on her abdomen. A designer would be less than thrilled to have milk stains leaking on a dupione silk, one-of-a-kind show dress.
And whatever unhealthy practices models may have used to maintain their appearances pre-kiddie, after the baby, all bets are off.
You can't breast-feed if you don't feed yourself. You shouldn't breast-feed and take diet supplements, amphetamines, cocaine or any other of the many "body stabilizers" the supermodel sect has been known to partake in. There are no four-hour workouts because children require 24-hour attention. Nannies help, but they aren't mommies.
Cindy Crawford is the exception to the rule.
I personally would find it a welcome relief to see Kate Moss step onto a runway with 10 extra pounds, a great-looking fitted dress, and a baby carriage. Who needs to see her yet again strutting her unhealthy-looking self down the catwalk in an outfit that has less to it than a Kleenex tissue?
Will we see Kate with a carriage? Probably not, but in this day and age, anything can happen. Looking for a Fight? Step Right Up!
And I do mean anything, as I never thought I'd see the day when a videotape of homeless men fighting would be for sale.
Bumfights: A Cause for Concern is a videotape of homeless men beating each other to a pulp or invoking harm unto themselves all for a few bucks, some booze or a little food. These tapes are currently being sold on the Internet for 20 bucks a pop, and reportedly more than a quarter-million have been purchased thus far.
Four men have been arrested on charges varying from conspiracy to solicit assault with deadly force to obstruction of justice.
This whole idea is truly inconceivable. Every time I think we have reached the depths of depravity as an entertainment-seeking society, the world goes me one better.
If these four men really did what they are alleged to have done, they should be forced to perform the very same ruthless and dangerous acts on each other.
Have one of them pull out their own tooth with a pliers. Better yet, I'll pull the tooth out and send the video home to their families for holiday viewing. After all, these guys have both families and homes to go to.
Their defense is that these bums signed consent forms to allow the tapes to be made. They seem to neglect to mention that those that signed the consent were inebriated or under the influence of other substances.
Yep. It's out there. So, never say "never" because the truth is, life isn't always about model behavior.
Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.