I'm lying on my back, the sun beating down on me. It's hot, but not humid hot… sexy hot.
I hear waves breaking and am deliriously tranquil in my tropical oasis. A dark shadow begins to form a veil over my eyes. I look up and can barely make out the Adonis-like figure that is slowly descending upon me (who needs to see the face, really?).
I feel the heat of this muscular body and think, "Oh boy, this is gonna be good … Take me. Take me now."
Then, I hear a voice … a woman's voice. It's garbled at first, but the words are clear as I begin to focus.
It is Nancy O'Dell on Access Hollywood, and she's saying Michael Jackson is a father again.
I am now awake from my blissful state, shattered and confused. I quickly realize I'm on the couch, alone, in front of the television, and I've just heard that Michael Jackson has gotten hold of another child.
Poof! A New Child
Enter the sound of screeching brakes. My brain has just crashed into the inside of the front of my head. I'm up from the couch in one giant motion and I'm pacing the floor. Gone is the sand that was wedged precariously under my bottom. Instead, there is now old carpet under my feet as I pace the living room floor. I've gone from ecstasy to utter disbelief.
Here's what they know, as originally reported by People. It's a boy, 6 to 7 months old. Jackson has allegedly named the kid "Prince Michael II." He has told friends that the child was conceived "the natural way."
Picture me doing a Roger Rabbit when I say, "Holy cow! What's going on here?!"
Many of you know that I'm not Michael Jackson's biggest fan, talent aside. I've tried to leave him alone on a personal level, despite the obligation I have to make the masses truly aware of his heinous behavior.
For the most part, I've truly tried to focus my efforts elsewhere. But I have to call a major flag on the play of life when a child gets brought into the mix. For Pete's sake (and believe me, I'd like to use far more descriptive language here), the guy already has two kids being raised under undeniably odd conditions.
He supposedly conceived these children with his second wife, dental hygienist Debbie Rowe. Then, as mother and mate to Michael Jackson, she gave the kids to him and decided to live separately from her offspring.
Jackson bestowed upon these little ones the unusual names of Paris and Prince, both with a middle name of Michael. He also decided to school them at home (which is probably a good idea with THOSE names). And when he decides to reveal them to the public, it is at the most seemingly inappropriate times of day and at inappropriate places … like after midnight in Las Vegas at a Siegfried and Roy show.
And now, through some form of illusion that has caused delusion, he has CONCEIVED, RECEIVED OR COMMISSIONED himself another child? The Lisa Marie Factor
Virtually out of nowhere, Jackson just appears with an infant boy. He's not married any more, so no one knows who the mother is. We don't know if there is a mother, at least one that Jackson knows. The whole thing is so veiled in secrecy that it doesn't even get classified as suspicious. Instead it's just a freaky guy with a creepy child situation.
I actually thought it was kind of "creepy" that Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley got married and recently spent their honeymoon at Graceland to participate in the 25th commemorative anniversary of Elvis' death. And I didn't think this because Nic and Lisa make a bad couple, it's just that everyone knows Nicolas Cage LOVES Elvis. He wants to be Elvis. He played an Elvis-like character in Wild At Heart. And then by some odd turn of romantic tides, he marries Elvis' daughter.
Co-inky-dink? Perhaps, but one has to put tapping forefinger to temple, thumb to chin and give a big, "Hmmmm ... kind of creepy" to this union.
So what does one have to do with the other?
Well, it's just that Lisa Marie used to be married to Michael Jackson and at the time she already had a couple of kids from her first marriage to Danny Keogh. So, if Michael wanted kids, and says he's actually having them "the old-fashioned way," why didn't he knock out at least one child with her?
Presley's father was the King of Rock 'n' Roll. Michael is/was the King of Pop. Imagine that offspring! Had the two of them managed a sperm and egg tango, they could've birthed a musical entity to rival no other. That embryo could've made a weekly sonogram appearance on American Idol and been the hands-down winner, week in and week out. Even Simon couldn't dis that baby. Whatever Happened, It’s Shocking
The nature of this whole thing just turns my brain to lumpy curd. Lisa gets married again, this time to someone who idolizes her father, and Michael pulls a baby boy out of his glove at a Siegfried and Roy magic show and becomes a father again.
Well, it all just beats the fudge out of me. How do you go from marrying Michael Jackson to marrying Nicolas Cage? Whatever happened to a "type"? And in this same vein, how does Michael go from Lisa Marie Presley to a dental hygienist to a couple of babies, a second divorce and several-month-old mystery baby?
To me, there is a definite uncertainty as to whether this latest child is actually the fruit of Mr. Jackson's loins or whether a stork decided to drop the infant at MJ's doorstep. If it's the latter, I am aghast at the reality that a) Michael Jackson could adopt a child or b) that a woman who knows Michael Jackson would allow him to adopt her child and c) that children could be conceived and secretly pawned or traded or whatever in the United States in 2002.
However this happened, it's sad. I truly can't believe that Michael Jackson is now raising THREE children.
And I felt bad for Anna Nicole's boy!
Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.