A New Low, Even for Reality TV

Aug. 6 -- To quote a wiseguy friend of mine, I must ask the question, "What, are you freakin' kiddin' me?"

I have spent some 20 years trying to develop a career for myself. Although some of you don't believe it, I actually graduated from college as a journalism major. I've done stand-up comedy, written and produced stage shows, and currently work as a broadcaster and write my dicey little column for ABCNEWS.com.

Some folks consider these major achievements, although truthfully, I've failed myself. I always wanted my own TV show — a very open talk show to actually speak about the things I write about and believe in, the things I think other people find interesting.

I thought I went about it the right way. Apparently I did not. So, buckos, I'm making some changes.

Pathways to Imperfection

Effective immediately, I'm getting a breast enhancement — going from "none of your business" to size 44 Triple Q.

I'm going to dye my hair from its original color of "none of your business" to platinum-ish blond.

I'm going to increase my weight by at least 40 pounds, which will bring me up to a bouncing "none of your business."

I'm going to find myself a semiconscious, drooling 80-pluser who has a half-lung of air left in his chest and a half-billion in the bank. And I'm going to start drinking a lot to wash down pills, which I'm also going to take a lot of each and every day. Then, maybe then, I'll get my own show.

It worked for Anna Nicole Smith!

And so it bears repeating: "What, are you freakin' kiddin' me?" The Anna Nicole Show on E! confirms my worst fear — television programming has hit the skids.

This visual, aural and mental abomination combines the worst elements of someone's life and displays them for the world to ogle and gasp over.

It's like Fear Factor meets I Failed at the Betty Ford Clinic. The only thing that could make this program more pathetic would be adding guest appearances by Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson as the live-in maid and butler.