Showbiz Commentary: Heidi Oringer

My intention this week was not to write a column. It's summer. I'm hot. I'm cranky. And, really, there isn't much going on.

Then, my prediction came true.

At the Golden Globes in January, Julia Roberts was the belle of the ball, America's sweetest sweetheart, and the soon-to-be recipient of an Academy Award for her work in Erin Brockovich. I looked at her and beau Benjamin Bratt and said — and I quote myself — "Those two aren't gonna make it much longer."

I said this to friends, colleagues, on the air with radio stations in various cities around the globe, and well, to anyone who would listen.

As a matter of fact, I even wrote it in an e-mail response to a (perhaps the only) reader who suggested Ben and Julia co-star in a remake of A Star Is Born. My response to her: "Nice idea, although I don't think they'll be living together, let alone working together, in the future …" (Thanks for the reminder, Myra!)

And, indeed, I was righty-o.

History Repeats Itself

Let me make this clear: I am not a fortuneteller (although I've considered launching my own psychic hotline). I am a realist.

Based on Ms. Roberts' public behavior with Mr. Bratt — which went from "the wind beneath my wings" to "yeah, we share air" — I garnered my first clue that there was trouble in paradise. I coupled that with her rather lengthy and choppy dating history, and thus, came to my painstaking conclusion. Also, this woman goes after her movie co-stars like flies on … well, I think you know.

But, in this day and age, it's hard to take someone at their word, so I would like to share with you all what I call:

The Periodic Table of Julia Roberts Love Elements:

1988: Scientifically known as LN. She co-stars in Satisfaction with Justine Bateman and Liam Neeson. Since she's heterosexual, she moves in with Liam Neeson, not Bateman.

1989: LN Yields to DM. Julia co-stars in Steel Magnolias with several older women and Dylan McDermott. She gets engaged to Dylan. (Again, Dolly Parton obviously didn't have the right appeal.)

1990-91: Introduction of the JP Factor. Julia leaves McDermott for her Flatliners co-star Kiefer Sutherland. She gets engaged to Kiefer. She leaves Kiefer — almost at the altar — for Jason Patric, who, oddly enough, she didn't do a movie with. (A busy year and a half, to say the least.)

1991-92: JP Stabilization Period. She's with Jason, she's with Jason. … Then, a glitch in the system.

1993: The LL Aberation. She up and marries Lyle Lovett. No one has ever quite figured that out. Maybe she was tired of young, good-looking, hunky types and wanted to settle down with a talented singer who has a ruddy complexion and hair like Kramer. Maybe she came to a crossroads and decided to give up co-stars to be with people whose first and last names start with the same letter. (Follow me on this. We see a repeat of this behavior in years to come!)

1995: LL Disintegration. She divorces Lyle Lovett for reasons we don't know, which is fine, since we never knew why she married him in the first place.

1995: The DDL Effect. Julia moves on to men with three names. She dates Daniel Day-Lewis, again, not a co-star. But his first and middle names do, in fact, start with the same letter. Daniel Day is fini, and then, seemingly out of nowhere, a relationship with "no-name" (by Hollywood standards) trainer Pat Manocchia, with whom she canoodles for a time, until …

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