Coping with the Loss of a Child
— -- When dealing with the loss of a baby, whether it's your own or another's, it can be difficult to know what to do or say. The following tips are for parents, relatives and friends.
Advice for Parents:
As painful as it may seem, the experience of seeing and holding your infant one last time, especially if your only contact has been in the neonatal intensive care unit, can provide an important sense of connection and closure. If the hospital staff is reluctant or unresponsive to your request, ask to see a social worker or a chaplain; he or she may be able to work through any unnecessary red tape.
Parents whose child has died experience a range of emotions that few can understand or relate to, so they're often left feeling very alone. Talking about your grief in a supportive milieu with other parents who know exactly what you're going through is considered one of the most effective therapies for coping with a baby's death.
The loss of a baby puts enormous stress on a marriage. Men and women deal with grief very differently, so they often misinterpret one another's behavior at a time when they need to connect. Feelings of guilt can spill over into blame; emotional exhaustion can make it very hard to maintain an intimate connection. Also, our society puts a lot of pressure on men to "be strong," to not show their sadness, to shoulder on despite their pain. A father whose child dies suffer not only the pain of that loss, but the stress of not being able to alleviate his wife's anguish. Again, a support group that includes fathers can be extremely helpful.
Couples who have lost a child are often faced with relatives and friends urging them to look ahead and not dwell on the past. But anniversaries -- of the baby's birth and death -- can become "trigger dates," times when anxiety and stress bubble up. Take a day off from work and do something together if possible. Talk about the baby with your other children or with friends.
Advice for Friends/Relatives:
Many people are afraid to talk about the baby for fear of upsetting the parents, but the vast majority of parents will tell you that they appreciated it when someone mentioned the child by name or asked what he or she looked like. I remember my own pediatrician telling me that Molly was "feisty" because she hung on far longer than expected. I've never forgotten that.
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