'The Modern Girl's Guide to Sticky Situations,' by Jane Buckingham

May 13, 2010— -- Jane Buckingham, author of "The Modern Girl's Guide to Life," presents several solutions for women who find themselves in difficult situations.

Buckingham's "The Modern Girl's Guide to Sticky Situations," gives welcome advice with warmth and humor.

What should you do if your date shows up drunk? When should you share a big secret with someone new?

The book answers these questions, and covers a wide range of other issues that may crop up, including problems relating to dating and romance, family relationships and beauty.

Read an excerpt of the book below, and then head to the "GMA" Library to find more good reads.

This is one area in which I have far more expertise than I would like. There was the time my "true love" was only using me as a distraction while his girlfriend was in Europe for the summer, the time my best friend's boyfriend declared his secret love for me, the time I found out the guy who'd said he was going out to put money in the meter had really ditched me -- and stuck me with the check (I used to tell myself he'd been hit by a Mack truck, but I realize now I was delusional). Best of all, one guy told me he was gay so he wouldn't have to date me any more -- but he subsequently went on to date several of my best female friends.

The good news is, after kissing my share of not only frogs but also slugs, weasels, vermin, and downright asses, I did find my prince -- in the most unlikely of places! (A blind date in Orlando.) So whatever your status -- searching, settled, or satisfied -- don't worry, there's a sticky here for you.

Dating

You're having a fantastic time when all of a sudden your date says something so offensive you're pretty sure you misheard him. But then again, you're pretty sure you didn't.

First, make sure you're understanding him correctly. If you don't know how to phrase this question, say, "I just want to make sure I'm understanding you correctly. Did you really say all orange foods should be banned?" (Insert whatever's relevant.) If you're lucky, he'll deny or qualify. If he persists in the opinion that turns your stomach, call him on it -- but be demure. Tell him you disagree, but try to keep emotion out of it -- at first.

The more well-thought-out and less knee-jerk an argument, the more sense it usually makes to a man. (Sorry to generalize; it's biological.) However, if he does hold beliefs that are offensive to you, calmly make it clear that you disagree with him, then start wrapping up the date. It's not your job to change his narrow little mind.

You inadvertently insult your date -- or perhaps worse, he has the gall to insult you!

Nervousness has been the cause of a thousand gaffes. As soon as you realize your mistake, apologize, blame your wacky sense of humor, and ask to start over. A little bit of backtracking will usually earn you forgiveness. If your date insults you but it's clear he didn't mean to, either let the moment pass without acknowledging it or make a joke, like "But you like my pink hair, right?" If he really did insult you big time, end the date quickly. You deserve better!

Your date shows up drunk.

Is he tipsy or toe up? Nervous daters have been known to overdo the liquid courage. You can always hit the bar and catch up with him (suggest he match your cocktails with cups of coffee), or join him in a carb-heavy meal -- by the time you get to your entrees, he'll probably be sobered up (and a bit embarrassed). Now, if your squire is completely smashed, put him in a cab and wish him well. You are not the local chapter of AA.

You were married in your early twenties -- for seven months. Is this a big revelation or is it just another past relationship?

It's best to share this story when you get to the dating history stage of the romance. Go down the litany of exes, and add, "And, well, I was actually married for a little while right after college." Most likely it will be seen as just what it was: a youthful decision that went awry.

You've got a big secret (kids, a messy divorce). When do you share it with your new interest?

The sooner the better. You don't have to wear a name tag that says, "Hello, my name is Recently Separated," but you should share your status with anyone you are considering a relationship with. It doesn't have to be a dramatic revelation -- casually show him pictures of your kids on your iPhone and explain the custody arrangements. If he can't handle a complicated situation, it's best to find out earlier rather than later.

You're not a one-night-stand kind of girl, really, but somehow last night you just wound up, well, you know, having a little too much fun. So how do you deal with an awfully uncomfortable aftermath?

The way I see it, there are two possibilities here: Either you're wishing he'll call or you're praying he won't. If you like him, the best thing to do is wait -- for the first forty-eight hours. If he hasn't called by then, it's not a great sign, but there's still hope that logistics got in the way. Call or text him that you enjoyed yourself (wink wink) and would love to see him again. Short, sweet, declarative. If you get no response, walk away. You don't want to have to convince anyone to like you this early in the game; even if you end up together, you'll spend the whole relationship wondering whether his feelings are real.

If you hope never to see him again but he gets in touch, be kind. Think of how you'd want to be treated. Don't disappear; pony up and say the way you acted was out of character -- maybe even that you're a bit embarrassed. Just be honest. Come to think of it, this isn't the worst way to act with someone you do like, either.

A friend's crush goes after you, even though you have no interest and haven't done anything to provoke it.

Turn him down the way you would any other pursuer you aren't into -- politely and firmly. And if your friend has caught wind of the situation (or, God forbid, was present while he made his play), make it clear to her that you would never angle for her dude. Then step aside and let her continue working her magic.

A friend's crush goes after you, and you think he's pretty cute.

Make no moves without checking in with your lady friend. If this gentleman has been a long-term project for her, you may just want to bow out preemptively no matter how fine he is. But if he's a recent romantic goal, she'll probably be okay with handing him off. Either way, what she says goes. Hos before bros, yo.

You want to Google your date.

Some of you may be thinking, What's sticky about this? Doesn't everyone Google their dates? Sure, but how many of us are thrilled with what we find? My advice is simple here -- only Google him if you're prepared to find out some pretty weird stuff. Maybe he wrote an editorial about why he doesn't believe in monogamy -- or why he does believe in Santa Claus. Maybe he's been in the local paper for all the wrong reasons. Maybe the New York Times ran his first, second, and third wedding announcements.

My feeling is that total access to information sabotages the natural process of courtship. He should be able to tell you about himself in his own time. Finding out too much prematurely can lead you to draw the wrong conclusions -- after all, you never know who shares his name.

You're on a blind date that seemed promising at first, but now there's zero chemistry and you've barely gotten through the appetizer. Do you fake an emergency, or do you stick it out, knowing TiVo has you covered?

Is the lack of interest mutual? Take his temperature -- when you flirt, does he flirt back? If he's into you but you're not into him, is it better to be honest or to save his pride by making up a white lie such as "I'm about to get back together with my ex-boyfriend"? Being honest -- acting available but disinterested -- may backfire and lead him to pursue you, because we all know men love a challenge. But you must never make yourself unappealing or too unavailable, because you never know who could lead to someone else. What a dilemma! Just wrap the date up quickly. If he tries to order dessert, demurely protest by saying you have an early morning meeting and pray he gets the signal. When I was on the market, I used to always schedule blind dates as drinks, never dinner. That way, if your chemistry is as cold as the North Pole, you can call it a night. If it's as steamy as Rio, head out to dinner.

If he calls you for another date, don't be tempted by the lure of a free meal, good concert tickets, or just one fewer night at home watching Mad Men. Just say, "I had a really good time, but I think maybe we should wait a little while before we go out again." When he tries you again, tell him you're really busy but that you have a pal you know he'd like, and hook them up. Maybe he'll return the favor.

You agree to a second date even though you know you're not into him.

As tempting as it may be to keep your options open, don't give false hope to someone you have no interest in. "A girl's gotta eat" is no reason to reprise a mediocre date. Give him a call and say, "Look, I've been thinking about it -- I don't think we're a good match and I don't want to waste your time." If you genuinely want to move things into the friend zone, be up front about it. When setting up the date you agreed upon, say, "I really enjoyed spending time with you, but I think we would work best as friends." Back this up with a suggestion of a fun -- and platonic -- activity like bowling, and be prepared for him to pass up your proposal.

You have some shameful physical secret and you're terrified he's going to find out.

What, do you have a vestigial tail or something? Women always have a laundry list of things they hate about their bodies; if you are going to have a real relationship with someone, you are going to have to risk exposing the parts of yourself that you don't like. Whether it's a scar, a weird birthmark, or an extra toe, it's likely that he's going to love it as much as he loves the rest of you. That is, if he even notices it. And look, if you do have something major, it's part of you, part of what has created who you are -- made you stronger, wiser, and deeper. Don't be ashamed; be proud. If he doesn't love it, and you, he doesn't deserve you.

You want to take a friendship to a romantic place, but you're not sure your pal feels the same.

Ah, here's a sticky that launched a dozen teen movies. Well, you can either throw a John Hughes film festival and then try various misbegotten hijinks inspired by Molly Ringwald, or tell him honestly about your feelings and accept his response. If he's not interested, you should know that there are lots of reasons a man might not want to take the relationship to the next level. It really doesn't matter what they are or if they make any sense to you. The bottom line is that when he imagines being with you more intimately (and trust me, he does think about these things), he pauses and then says to himself, "Nah." Consider taking a break from the friendship until your emotions calm down.

On the other hand, if he confesses his undying love for you and you feel differently, let him down easy. Be clear about wanting to keep things completely platonic, and follow through. Don't play with his feelings to pad your ego -- it's not fair to use him as a substitute boyfriend or devoted eunuch. Again, you may need to cut down on the time you spend together, at least until he finds someone new to crush on.

Now, the stickiest of these situations is when friends just have sex, or when friends think they like each other, sleep with each other, and one changes his or her mind. When this happens, chances are, the best thing to do is take a break from each other. Recognize that good friendships are almost as hard to find as good romances. If your love match wasn't meant to be, your friend isn't punishing you, and it's not your fault -- so why throw the baby out with the bathwater? Be friends, but never sleep together again unless the friendship has turned into a serious relationship. And while there might be a rare exception, I've found that "friends with benefits" tends to be a lot like health care -- the coverage isn't there when you need it most.

You're dating someone you're crazy about, but nothing's official -- should you change your relationship status on MySpace, Facebook, and Ning?

This is a delicate process with several different stages. First off, when you start dating a guy exclusively, you might consider removing the single status from your profile out of respect for what you've got going. Warning: doing this will cause a pileup of curious pals ("Woo-woo!" "Who is he?" etc.), so be sure to delete the move from your newsfeed. Once you and your man move into boyfriend-girlfriend territory, it's time to shift (preferably in sync) to "In a relationship."

Finally, you may choose to link your profiles, which involves one of your sending an invitation to the other, much like a friend request. This is best reserved for solid relationships -- if you're in the breakup/makeup cycle, it's smarter to reveal as little of this as possible to the coworkers and cousins keeping their eyes on your bidness.

You don't know how to introduce him when he's not your boyfriend but more than a friend.

Skip the descriptor entirely and say, "I'd like you to meet John." The fact that you don't refer to him as a friend or boyfriend is typically telling enough. Your body language will likely fill in the blanks for people. If that's too ambiguous for you and you want to mark him as your man, call him your date.

You can't get that guy out of your head -- and there's no room for anything else.

Ah, sweet infatuation! First off, enjoy it, 'cause it's not going to last long. Every new couple should have some time of mutual obsession -- there's nothing wrong with getting caught up in new love as long as it doesn't keep you from eating and going to work.

If the man on your mind is an ex-boyfriend or a crush that never came through, give yourself a couple of weeks of mooning around and then pledge to pull through. Work is a great distraction -- ask for extra projects, focus on a complex task, and put in overtime. Now is not the time to take up mindless activities that will give you time to daydream. Before you know it, you'll barely remember the guy -- and you might get a promotion.

You want to know if it's okay to start calling him your boyfriend, but you don't want to seem needy or clingy.

If you've been dating for a while, he's probably got the same question on his mind. Ask him for what you want in a lighthearted way: "So, are we going steady or what?"

You have a one-night stand with a random guy while getting to know someone you might really like.

Technically this is fair game. Until you are in a committed relationship, you don't have a responsibility to be monogamous. That said, a lasting relationship can be worth sacrificing some easy sex for. You might choose to skip the hookups until you see where things are going with Bachelor #2.

You're dating a guy who lives with his parents.

When the economy is crappy, it becomes more and more common for someone to be bunking with his folks. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker -- you just need to distinguish between Peter Pan syndrome and a genuine time of personal transition.

Is he focused on working (or finding work, if he's been laid off) or school? Is he taking care of ailing parents? If so, you might want to weather the discomfort of shagging on the top bunk. However, if he's just sitting around the old homestead eating Mom's meatloaf and playing Second Life, peace out and leave him to his arrested development.

You're dating more than one guy and don't know whether to be honest about it.

Until you've discussed a commitment, you're technically free to date around sans guilt. But that doesn't mean your gentleman friend won't have hurt feelings when he finds out he's not the only name on your dance card. If you want to segue into a relationship with one of the dudes, then it's easy enough to phase out the other one(s) without full disclosure. However, if you plan on man juggling for a spell, you should make it clear that things aren't exclusive. It's best to bring this up when setting up plans, especially if he starts making assumptions about your time. Say, "I really enjoy spending time with you, but I feel like I should let you know that I'm seeing other people." Then it's up to him to decide if he's okay with the casual thing.