Excerpt: "Mother Warriors"

I closed my eyes and thought, "He's gone now." I brought him in for a stupid sore throat, and here he is, having cardiac arrest, major cardiac arrest. As I looked into the room I saw crush of people and you could read the body language and the facial expressions. I looked at my husband and we both stood there numb. Then, they got him back. They stabilized him. But by the time they rushed him up to ICU they said that he was no longer stabilized. They walked over to us and said, "Do you want to call anyone? We think it's time you started to call your family." The worst thing a mother could hear. I stood at his bedside and looked at my boy. He was on a respirator and tubes were everywhere. All I could think was, "This can't be happening. This can't be happening."

The EEG results came back and they said he was almost brain dead. They said the only hope was that the Phenobarbital, which puts someone in a temporary coma, could cause almost a flat line so to wait and see.

And so we waited and waited and just waited and he never moved. He couldn't hold his own blood pressure anymore so they started giving him all these blood pressure meds and had to keep upping the doses because every time he'd start to fail they would have to up the amount a little more, and a little more every time. Then he couldn't hold his own body temperature and had to have a heat blanket.

He didn't open his eyes, he didn't move, he couldn't pee. He wasn't outputting any urine, which was bad because it means your kidneys are going. So, they called a family conference, and said let's give it twenty-four hours and watch.

Then the other most painful words a mother could ever hear… the nurse said, "And you might want to consider a do not resuscitate." The world stopped. I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't take this much pain.

They said within twenty-four hours they were going to do a second EEG and see where he was, but if nothing changed, they were considering him brain dead.

So my husband made them bring in a TV so we could play all of his favorite videos, his favorite music, any books, just to try to stimulate anything.

One of the residents in the neurology department came in the next morning, and she's talking to him like, "Hi, little guy," and he never moved. Then the nurse came in an hour later and checked him out and looked at me and said, "I wish we could do more."

That was when, if we had any hope at all, we lost all hope. She then said, "They don't ever come out of this."

I looked at my boy with a million wires and tubes coming out of him and had them move them all so I could crawl up next to him. I held him for eight hours and I stayed with him until he died. I felt an energy pass through me that made my heart skip a beat. It was an orange energy. I knew it was him.

He was pronounced dead at 12:26. My husband Harry had pointed out to me the significance of that time. We believe all of this happened because of the vaccinations he received at his four-month wellness check up. That date was the day after Christmas… 12/26. Elias died at 12:26. On that vaccination day my husband joked to the doctor that Elias was given enough shots to kill an elephant. Instead it killed a beautiful boy named Elias.

He will forever be in our hearts.

Excerpt from MOTHER WARRIORS by Jenny McCarthy © 2008. Published with permission from Dutton, A member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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