Excerpt: 'Financial Infidelity'

Oct. 21, 2008 — -- Therapist and author Bonnie Eaker Weil penned "Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker," a book about how money can influence relationships. Read an excerpt below.

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At some point or another, almost all of us have used magical thinking to give us the confidence to go on when a relationship hits a rough patch. Most people are able to move through this stage by taking risks to confront their partners. They realize that heated discussions, arguments, even passionate fights are part of the process of negotiating the differences between two individuals. They are able to set aside the fear of abandonment and be courageous instead of comfortable, proactive instead of defensive. They realize that when two people become entrenched in a behavior pattern, one of them must change in order to break the pattern. There are no "magical solutions" (except for those people still in the honeymoon stage).

When it comes to money, most adults pride themselves on their practical approach to handling their own finances. But when it comes to cooperatively managing shared resources in an intimate relationship, I have seen even the most savvy financial managers—individuals who handle negotiations, investments, and expenditures of huge sums of money in their careers—engage in magical thinking, rather than initiate discussions about money with their partners.

Choosing to ignore the plain facts about the ways in which you avoid the topics of debt, spending, and saving can be just as detrimental to a relationship as engaging in magical thinking in order to deny or ignore emotional or physical red flags.

A study published in the July/August 2006 issue of the European Journal of Social Psychology suggests that powerful people are more likely to take risks. The authors of the study theorized that high-powered individuals often benefit when they make choices that are considered high-risk. The more power these people believe they have, the more risk they are willing to take. However, this behavior can set up an incredibly damaging dynamic. Consider, for instance, the number of scandals that regularly arise involving high-powered executives, wealthy stock-market investors, or political figures. I'm quite sure that former president Bill Clinton never believed he would get caught when he embarked on an affair with a White House intern.

1. Do you have a plan in case of a financial emergency, such as loss of a job or a medical crisis?

2. Are there a lot of high-risk stocks in your portfolio?

3. Do you own your home?

4. Do you have multiple credit cards with high interest rates?

5. Can you easily make the minimum monthly payments on your credit cards?

6. Do you have an adjustable rate mortgage?

7. Do you have six months' living expenses set aside in case of emergency?

8. Have you ever had to take a loan from friends or family to "bail you out" of a bad financial situation?

9. Do you pay yourself first by putting money in savings before paying your bills?

If your answers to the even-numbered questions are mostly "yes" and your answers to the odd-numbered questions are mostly "no," you are living with a very high level of risk in your relationship. If the reverse is true (the even-numbered questions are mostly "no" and the odds are mostly "yes"), then you have an extremely conservative approach to financial risk.

In order to successfully navigate the power struggles that occur around money, it is important to know how comfortable both you and you partner are with financial risk. It is also important to consider your relationship's power dynamic and your personal relationship to money and power. Acknowledging these different perspectives can help you to understand where your partner is coming from when you find that you are locked in a power struggle about money.

When I am talking to some of the couples I counsel about their feelings when beginning an affair, they often use descriptions like "sexual chemistry" and "irresistible attraction." Some even compare their craving for their lover to an addiction. They can't get enough. They feel high. Their descriptions verge on sounding like passages from a romance novel. And yet, there's some validity to their clichés. In fact, studies have shown that certain repetitive or addictive behaviors both are caused by and contribute to fluctuations in the mood-stimulating neurotransmitters in our brains.