Tatum O'Neal to People Mag: I Made a Horrible Mistake

June 13, 2008 -- Oscar-winning actress Tatum O'Neal has spoken out about her recent cocaine arrest, revealing in this week's People magazine the sequence of events that she says drove her to the brink.

"I was trying to relapse," O'Neal, 44, told People. "I made a giant, horrible mistake and feel really ashamed and embarrassed."

By her own account, things were going well in her life. O'Neal was sober and the relationship with her ex-husband, John McEnroe, had finally healed. The former couple even attended the college graduation of their son, Kevin, along with McEnroe's new wife, rock star Patty Smith.

O'Neal said she was depressed earlier this month after the death of her beloved dog, Lena. Stressed about tension with her boyfriend, she said she didn't want to feel anything anymore.

"I decided to walk a block and ask a guy if he could help me buy cocaine," O'Neal told the magazine. "I wanted to just not feel what I was feeling at that particular moment."

But a police officer saw the exchange and O'Neal spent a night in jail after she was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of possessing a controlled substance. She was released on her own recognizance and will return to court on July 28.

"I take full responsibility," O'Neal said, adding that the most difficult moment came after she was released and her cell phone rang.

Her 17-year-old daughter, Emily, was calling, worried about her mother.

O'Neal said she "couldn't tell her. It was too horrible."

She waited to tell her daughter in person, and when the two saw each other, O'Neal said they hugged and cried.

Her daughter said, "I love you, Mommy. I'm glad you didn't use," O'Neal told the magazine, "My kids understand that it's a disease."

"I'm not a bad person," O'Neal said. "I'm a sick person trying to get well. I'm a nightmare to myself."

O'Neal has battled addiction for decades, losing control of her life and, eventually, custody of her children in 1995.

She was the youngest actor ever to win an Oscar, for a starring role at age 10 alongside her famous father, Ryan O'Neal, in the 1973 film "Paper Moon."