Book Excerpt: 'Mean Girls Grown Up'

Oct. 10, 2005 — -- Remember those awful girls who ruled the high school cafeteria? Well, they didn't disappear -- they just grew up. You can find them in the workplace, houses of worship and the local PTA. Their snide comments sting just as much as they did years go.

In her new book, "Mean Girls Grown Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees," Cheryl Dellasega explains how to deal effectively with these troublesome women. She empowers her readers to improve the relationships with the women in their lives.

Below is the first chapter of "Mean Girls Grown Up."

TheWho,What, and Why of RA

You've always been there, even in
Kindergarten, pushing my face into
a can of worms on the playground.
In grade school, calling me a witch
and telling me you'll burn me
at the stake at recess.
In middle school, you didn't want to
be my friend, you said I was weird,
too smart, too serious.
High school moments of pure hell,
of National Honor Society,
leads in school plays. Kisses of death.
In college, I kept to myself,
stayed clear of your jealousy,
alone with my own self-loathing.
In the real world, at every job,
you've always gone out of your way
to hurt me.
Aliza Sherman, "Take Me Down"

Adult Female Aggression

Mean girls grow up to be mean women,make no mistake about that. -- a woman caller to a radio talk show on bullying

What is Relational Agression?

It happens when you least expect it: the sudden, painful stingthat hurts deeply, because you thought you were in a safe place,with other women and immune from harm. A word, a gesture, orsome other seemingly innocuous behavior can be all it takes towound in a way that hurts more than any physical blow. This isfemale relational aggression (RA): the subtle art of emotionaldevastation that takes place every day at home, at work, or incommunity settings. Unlike openly aggressive men, women learnearly on to go undercover with these assaults, often catching theirvictims unaware. Many carry this behavior into adulthood.

What Is Relational Aggression?

RA is the use of relationships to hurt another, a way of verbal violencein which words rather than fists inflict damage. RA seems topeak in the early teen years when girls use a variety of behaviorsthat wound without ever pulling a punch. Word wars are often dismissedas "just the way girls are," or "she's just jealous." Whetheror not you're a mother, you probably understand these scenariosintuitively: the girl who gets excluded from a crowd she previouslybelonged to; the newcomer who fails to be accepted by other girlsno matter what she does; the girl who is somehow different andtargeted for that reason; or the popular Queen Bee, who buzzesfrom place to place spreading discomfort and manipulating otherswith her words. Sounds pretty juvenile, doesn't it?

Unfortunately, some women never outgrow these behaviors,turning into adults who slay with a smile and wound with a word.The mean girls of middle school may change into grown-up"shrews," "witches," "prima donnas," and "bitches," but underneath,the same game that started in grade school is still beingplayed. In and out of the workplace, as individuals and in groups,these women continue to interact in aggressive ways reminiscentof high school hallways where girls jockeyed for social status.

After encounters with such women, you walk away wonderingexactly what happened, and, sometimes, why you care so much. Ina search for answers, you may even reflect back on your adolescentyears, when behaviors such as jealousy, gossip, and forming cliqueswere the modus operandi. You may remember the moments whenyou sighed thankfully, thinking it was all behind you. The endresult, when you discover it isn't, is feelings of confusion, hurt, andeven fear. Consider the following real-life situations:

Rhonda, age thirty-four, is one of twenty-five female secretaries ata midsize legal firm. Her boss, impressed by Rhonda's computerskills, suggests she go for further training so she can help with theinformation technology needs of the firm. He offers to accommodateher time away for classes if she will agree to stay with the firmfor a year after she finishes. When Rhonda tells her coworkersabout the opportunity, they congratulate her, but in the weeks thatfollow, the emotional climate of the office grows noticeably cooler.Within a month of starting classes, Rhonda is no longer invited tolunch with the other women, and they frequently "forget" to passon important messages that arrive while she is in class.

"What did I do wrong?" Rhonda asks Marci, the only coworkerwho isn't shunning her.

"Can't you see it?" Marci answers. "They're all jealous becauseyou're getting an opportunity they aren't."

Tina, an attractive twenty-two-year old, is one of three womenparticipating in a corporate internship that will result in a joboffer for one of them. So far, she is the strongest candidate for theposition, which will involve working directly with the company'smale CEO. One morning during a coffee break, Alice, one of theother interns, comes into the break room where Tina and theCEO are deep in conversation about a work project.

"Oh—excuse me!" Alice says loudly, a knowing smile on herface. Both Tina and the CEO invite her to stay, but she hurries outwithout another word.

A few days later, Tina finds herself alone in an elevator withBeth, the third intern.

"So, I hear things are really heating up between you and theCEO," Beth comments.

Blushing, Tina stammers, "What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on, Tina, you know exactly what I'm talking about.Everyone in the office does. You're sleeping with him just so youcan get the job."

Sharon, the forty-year-old mother of teenaged Susanna, decidesto volunteer for the band parents group at her daughter's highschool. When Sharon takes her lunch hour early so she can attendthe first meeting, the six other moms already there are slow toacknowledge her. When the meeting runs late, Sharon apologeticallygathers up her things and puts on her coat.

"I'm sorry. I have to get back to work," she explains.

"Oh, you're a working mom," one of the women comments,exchanging a knowing glance with the others.

Same Behavior, Different Age

The incidents just described involving adult women are not so differentfrom the teenager shunned by her friends, talked about inthe hallways, or excluded from activities by other girls. Meanbehavior exists on a continuum for both adolescents and adults. Inan attempt to understand why, Judith Sutphen, a former directorfor the Vermont Commission on Women, met with a group of 130teenage girls to discuss self-esteem and interactions with others.In the following excerpt from her report, Sutphen offers a possibleexplanation for why women may act to undermine one anotherand the consequences that result:

There's been a lot of attention focused lately on mean girls.. . . "Relational aggression" is the new buzzword for girlswho tease, insult, threaten, maliciously gossip, play cruelgames with their best friends' feelings and establish exclusivecliques and hierarchies in high school. Writers try toreassure us that it's not that girls are born mean; they just getthat way when they're with other girls.

. . . All the attention has made me think about why girlslearn to hurt through relationships, and how this translatesinto our lives as grown women.