Anita Renfroe's Thanks to Spanx

Oct. 2, 2008 — -- Comedian Anita Renfroe, who made an Internet splash with "William Tell Momsense," a song about motherhood, is now a special "Good Morning America" contributor addressing issues important to all women — like hair.

In upcoming segments, she'll discuss crucial topics such as what your purse says about you, grocery store games, mammograms, whatever happened to pantyhose and much more.

But she also wants to hear from you. What do you want to see Anita talk about? Nothing is off limits. Send her your ideas, your pet peeves about being a woman, things that make you laugh, anything! You can post your comments right here on this story.

From the moment womankind discovered mirrorsWe've wondered if our clothes made us look fat
For most of us the truth could not be clearer
Our figures just will never be all that
Our grandmamas were coerced into corsets
A tortuous device some man designed
Then grandmas and our moms got into girdles
In hopes that they'd improve their bottom lines.

But we're smarter women now — we need our comfort
And we refuse to suck our stomachs in all day
We want maximum control with zero effort
So with gratitude we women now can say

Thanks to Spanx … we've got no panty lines
You firm up … our less-than-firm behinds
You smooth out all the rolls in our bread baskets
You help us make the most of all our assets

Thanks to Spanx … you make our tight jeans fit
Cellulite can't jiggle in your powerful knit
We can't contain our muffin tops without you
We can't stop telling all our friends about you
For all you've done to save a woman's self-esteem
To hide our second helpings of hot fudge ice cream
We're grateful that you smooth out everything we wear
Every day you're there to save our derrieres
You help us make the very most of what we've gotSpanx a lot, spanx a lot, spanx a lot!

There's real skill and strategy involved in the Grocery Store Games.

First of all, you want to park in the coveted spot near the cart corral. And why, by the way, do they call it the cart corral? Is it like we're in some sort of spaghetti western and there's going be showdown at high noon at the cart corral and I'm going to need to bring my salad shooter? And if you get a cart that has all four wheels that go the same direction it's like you've won the grocery cart lottery.

They now have these things called kiddy carts. I can guarantee you that this was made up by a mom who was tired of her kids throwing things in the basket while she wasn't looking.

At the Grocery Store Games, you have to navigate a bunch of specialty departments, where I believe they hire people according to personality. Take here in the deli. The people who work here are the ones who weren't afraid to take shop in high school, they actually enjoy the heavy dangerous equipment.

And what about these people who work in the bakery? Don't they seem suspiciously happy to you? I mean, wouldn't you be happy too if you had unlimited access to tubes of icing and lots of powdered sugar all day?

And what about the people who work in the produce section? I mean, they seem fairly nice, but i think they have a little sadistic edge. I believe they go in the back and they wait until a woman comes along who's obviously just been to the salon and boom! Make it rain.

While you're shopping during the Grocery Store Games you will invariably encounter obstacles, not the least of which is the coupon clipper, the woman who's always parked right in front of the most coveted item that you need but is blissfully unaware that you need to get to it.

Once you've successfully navigated the store you're now faced with the final and most difficult challenge of the Grocery Store Games, getting through the gauntlet. The area is where all the stuff is you didn't even know you needed. I mean, let's face it, there's candy, gum, magazines, batteries, lint traps, toothbrushes, scotch tape — this is the stuff MacGyver used to save the world. Only the strongest shoppers can resist.

And when you've loaded that last grocery bag, don't forget to treat yourself to a little Olympic gold of your own, 'cause honey, you've earned it.

May 29, 2008

Summer weddings are right around the corner, and you know what that means — it's time for us to turn our attention to that time-honored and downright bizarre ritual of the bridal shower.

It begins innocently enough with the delivery of invitations to you via the U.S. Postal Service. The problem is the calligraphic lines: You get an envelope with calligraphy on it and it means something in it is going to cost you, baby!

Now you are engaged in the triathlon event known as scoring an acceptable gift. This used to be easy back in the day — before the bridal registry was invented. Not so now.

Brides are registered all over town, and you now can get her exact wishes printed out on a 20-foot scroll so that you can traipse through a store and decide exactly how much you want to invest in this gift. It becomes less about the gift and more about how little you can spend without being thought of as cheap or tacky.

So the day finally arrives, and you shave your legs and prepare to eat crustless sandwiches and petit fours and make small talk with women you may never see again. And let us not forget the piece de resistance — the bridal shower games. These are the ones that normally leave people in the room feeling, "What just happened here?"

Everybody except the hostess, who has lots of fun planning these dumb games — such as make your own wedding dress out of toilet paper, the ever popular pin the tail on the bridal veil, not to mention "How well do you know the bride and the groom?" How embarrassing would it be if you scored a zero on that one?

So let us recap. You are going to spend money. You're probably going to play some dumb games and most likely gain weight. But it's a bridal shower. Let the party begin.

March 10, 2008

Clutch, hand bag or purse — whatever the name of your all-inclusive accessory, it can say a lot about you. Whether you love those over-the-shoulder boulder holders or tiny totes are your thing, your pocketbook is telling the world more than you realize.

According to "In Your Purse: Archeology of the American Handbag" by Kelly Styring, the average woman owns 10 purses and the average purse contains 67 items and weighs 3.4 pounds. For more information on this purse research you can visit www.inyourpurse.com.

Here are four purse analogies.

This lady is the one who never really got over carrying the diaper bag and still wishes she had something that large. She normally has like a full snack bar and a working pharmacy down in her bag and is prepared for every situation in life.

This girl can get the whole contents of her day into seven square inches. I don't really understand this woman, but you can bet if she can do this that she's got some control issues.

She probably pays her bills ahead of time and has her sheets tucked in real tight on the corners of her bed.

She gets one purse and sticks with it for 12 years. She's the kind of person for whom you occasionally have to do what we call "a purse intervention." Now she's also loyal and if she'll stay with this purse for 12 years she'll hang with you.

This woman changes her purses more often than she changes her underwear. Sometimes she doesn't know how she's going to feel after lunch so she'll occasionally carry a purse inside of her purse just in case her mood changes.

Click here to find out more about Anita Renfroe.

Feb. 15, 2008

Today, in Anita's Estrogen Theatre, she discussed a very underreported phenomenon in the country, hair grief —

It begins with hope. Yes hope, as you take the picture of your hairstyle you believe will now change your life in to your hairdresser.

You show it to her, she nods. Assenting she can do this magic upon your head. She wheels you around, puts a cape on your shoulders, takes off your glasses, and makes you face a wall while she does her magic — of color, cutting and styling on your head.

Thirty minutes later she wheels you around to face the mirror. You put your glasses back on and you move into the next phase — shock. Yes, shock, that this hairdo looks nothing like the picture you brought in.

You're very upset and you move very quickly into the next part, denial. Oh well, maybe it doesn't look so bad, perhaps I can fix it myself when I get home.

You then move into anger, yes anger. You are steamed you have to write a check for a hairdo you don't even want.

Click here to find out more about Anita Renfroe.