'Stolen Innocence' Excerpt
Elissa Wall describes her years of abuse with FLDS in her new book.
May 16, 2008 — -- Elissa Wall's harrowing testimony in a packed courtroom September 2007 helped convict polygamous sect leader Warren Jeffs. Her vivid account detailed the harsh realities of living inside the closed community of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints.
Now Wall's new book, "Stolen Innocence," goes beyond her courtroom heroism and gives her incredible story of a turbulent past, tumultuous youth and how she became a child bride who endured years of abuse.
Wall discusses sleeping in her truck rather than sharing a bed with her tormentor and how she retained hope — even in her bleakest times — that she would escape someday.
Click here for more information on the book and read an excerpt below.
The Celestial Law
Take this revelation, or any other revelation that theLord has given, and deny it in your feelings and I promisethat you will be damned.
—Brigham Young
I had been in the FLDS Church from the moment I was born. It was all I knew and the only way I could imagine living. From my teachings, I knew that the prophet's job was to dictate what was best for us and that the words he spoke came straight from God. I believed that my impending marriage was the will of God and therefore nothing could be done to stop it. But still, I had to try.
I also knew that I was different from other girls in my community. I wanted an education, and maybe even to become a nurse or teacher someday. During my year in public school, I'd come to realize things were possible that I'd never dreamed before. Sure, I knew that I wanted to be a mother of good priesthood children, but not at fourteen. I wanted children and a future, and I dared to think that both were possible.
It took a little while for me to absorb what Uncle Fred had said. As I turned it over in my head, I couldn't digest the idea that the prophet wanted me to marry, and it didn't feel right. Still thinking that perhaps Uncle Fred had confused me with one of the older girls in the house, I decided to speak with him. I climbed the stairs to Uncle Fred's office on the second floor and waited in the hallway for him to notice me. When he saw me standing in the doorway, a kind smile widened across his face and he invited me in to talk. I swallowed my fear and took a seat, eager to tell him how I really felt about the pronouncement. The office appeared much like Uncle Warren's office at Alta Academy, with a big desk, a couch, and a few chairs for those who came to seek counsel. As a respected member of our community, Fred held a lot of clout. He had been appointed the bishop of Short Creek by Leroy Johnson long before Uncle Rulon took over as the prophet, giving him the position of second counselor to the prophet and placing him third in the leadership hierarchy, right behind Warren, who was first counselor.
Taking a seat in one of the brown leather chairs, I held my tongue until I was invited to speak, and when Uncle Fred signaled me to share what was on my mind, the words almost spilled out of my mouth.
"I want to make sure you understand that I'm fourteen," I said, mustering a soft, respectful voice despite my anxiety. "I'm worried that you have me mixed up with someone else." Uncle Fred was well into his seventies, and sometimes he'd forget things, even people's names.
"No, you are going to be married," he replied with certainty.
Panic swelled inside of me, and I searched my mind for what to say next. "I don't know if this is right for me," I told him after a long pause. "I don't feel ready. I don't feel like that is what I should be doing because I'm really young. And I think there are so many other girls in the house who would be more ready for this calling."
Not deterred, Uncle Fred instructed me to "go and pray about it." I was at a loss for words, and I realized that he intended for me to go forward and marry. I asked if he could at least share the identity of my future husband. Perhaps if I knew who God had chosen for me, it would set my mind at ease.
"That will be revealed to you at the right time," he replied.
I felt physically ill as I stood to leave. The conversation was over, and there appeared to be nothing more I could say.
In the days ahead, I was flooded with congratulatory words from my family and many stepsisters, who, much to my surprise, knew that I was among the three girls chosen for marriage. I struggled to hide my true feelings as they told me how lucky I was, and at moments it felt nice to have so much attention. Getting married is the highest honor for a girl in the FLDS Church. It was what women lived for—our dream and our mission. Even though I was only fourteen, it was hard not to get caught up in all the excitement. Soon, though, those feelings would pass, and the anxiety returned.
I discovered I wasn't the only young girl who had been assigned a husband. The prophet had also chosen my stepsister Lily, who was only a few months older than I was. She would be celebrating her fifteenth birthday before me. The third girl chosen was Nancy. She was a few years older than Lily and me and seemed excited at the prospect of achieving what she'd been preparing for her whole life.
As we looked at our similar situations, Lily and I formed a bond in our attempt to come to terms with our futures. Like me, Lily had been through a difficult time. A few months earlier, she'd begun a secret friendship with an older FLDS boy who had recently moved to Hildale from Salt Lake City. Since the prophet is the only person who can authorize romantic relationships, this friendship went against church teachings. Inevitably, Uncle Fred found out what was going on and forbade her from seeing the boy again. Lily was beside herself with sadness, and she tried to take her own life using Tylenol and ibuprofen.
Her attempt failed, but her marriage announcement seemed to be in reaction to her improper friendship, as though the powers above her thought that marriage would force her back into the correct FLDS mindset. At moments, it even appeared to be working, as Lily seemed to share Nancy's excitement. But my resistance never wavered, and despite everyone's words, I remained unconvinced that this was my time.
In the days after Uncle Fred's announcement, I wrote down my thoughts about what was happening in a journal.
Sunday, April 15, 2001
It sure has been an amazing weekend. Many things havehappened to make things feel a little upside down. Yesterdaywas quite a nerve- shaking day. It was about …
My mother came into the room, and I could feel her standing over me as I began to put my worries and questions on the paper.
"Lesie, you should be careful what you write," she cautioned, interrupting my stream of consciousness. "Your words are not private."
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