Humans May Be Hard-Wired to Stay in Bad Relationships

Aug. 11, 2008 — -- When a public figure, such as former senator and presidential hopeful John Edwards, commits infidelity, all eyes turn to the spouse – how will she react? Will she stand by him?

Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, who is battling cancer, made her decision clear in a blog entry on dailykos.com: "Our family has been through a lot. Some caused by nature, some caused by human weakness. ... But we have stood with one another through them all."

Women outside the limelight whose husbands have cheated say they experienced the same pain and turmoil when deciding whether to leave their marriage or stay.

Pam McConathy, whose husband cheated after 15 years of marriage, said that news of Edwards' affair brought back painful memories.

"I mean you know, your heart is just crushed. Your soul is crushed. … I don't know what it is about women, that trust factor is so huge in a relationship," said McConathy.

But women who have experienced infidelity say that it's more difficult to leave a marriage than many people think.

"It's not that easy. And people who think that you can make a split decision are really people who have never, in my opinion, personally experienced infidelity. Because there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to dealing with infidelity," said Ruth Houston, who wrote a book about her experience called "Is He Cheating on You?"

Anthropologist Helen Fisher agrees, saying that infidelity does not negate the history of a marriage.

"You've been working for that dream for years and years," Fisher said. "They've made all kinds of compromises. They've got networks in the community, children, memories, much more than the adultery."

Jamie, who asked that her last name not be used, said she initially tried to stay and work things out with her husband, who admitted he was having an affair.

"My husband was the last person on earth anybody would ever think would do something like this," said Jamie, who has a 7-year-old son and 2-year-old triplets.