Finally! Automobile breakdown services can fly to my rescue rather than have to weave through traffic, ferrets can fix my Internet dead zone, and I can sit beside atoms travelling at the speed of light as I travel on the Underground! Be wary of Britain's news today, it's April Fools' Day!
Today the Daily Mail's home page has the image of an Airborne Association (AA) worker with a rocket backpack flying to the rescue of stranded motorists.
The paper tries to fool its readers announcing that the breakdown rescue service is launching a new patrol of "AA Rocketmen" flying to stranded motorists' rescue.
The Daily Mail even includes a video online of their Rocketmen in lightweight jet-packs testing their accuracy in the "secret trials."
But reporter Ray Massey explains that the Rocketmen can't be patrolling the skies all the time - that would be impractical with today's fuel costs! Instead the Rocketmen rescuers launch from the back of an AA van parked within a mile of their distressed client.
Sick of losing your Internet connection? The Telegraph published a groundbreaking new use of Ferrets to lay cables for broadband services in rural areas.
The newspaper reveals how the small animals can rescue residents of Internet "dead zones" by accessing hard-to-reach places. The ferrets wear jackets fitted with a microchip which is able to analyze any breaks or damage in the underground network.
Don't worry if you haven't heard of this new technique. The Telegraph quotes Jon James, director of broadband for Virgin Media, using the ferrets saying, "We initially kept the trial low-key as we wanted to assess how well the ferrets fitted into our operations before revealing this enterprising scheme."
The Independent reveals more changes for London's Underground. But the plans are not just to prepare for the upcoming Olympics crowds, instead to create a particle accelerator similar to Geneva's new Large Hadron Collider.
The newspaper explains how the London Underground is in talks with the European Organization for Nuclear Research (Cern) about the possibility of using the Circle Line's tunnel to house a small-scale "atom smasher." Placing a particle accelerator alongside the passenger line would be a fraction of the cost of building a new tunnel elsewhere in Europe, The Independent explains. The plan only raises slight concerns of creating a mini black hole at Westminster when the two proton beams collide to recreate the conditions of the Big Bang.
If you were listening to the radio this morning you might have questioned your Shakespearian knowledge. The BBC's "Today" program broadcasted that the famous poet might be French! The radio program announced the discovery of new evidence at the site of Shakespeare's Stratford home suggesting that his mother was French.
The Guardian's website previews plans for the Labour party's new billboard with Prime Minister Gordon Brown beside the bolded words, "Step Outside Posh Boy." Referring to Conservative party leader David Cameron as "posh boy," the paper explains the Labour party's new election strategy of embracing Gordon Brown's reputation for anger and physical aggression.
"The campaign will present the prime minister as a hard man, unafraid of confrontation, who is willing to take on David Cameron in 'a bare-knuckle fistfight for the future of Britain,'" the Guardian explains.