British Soccer Players Get Negative Reinforcement

L O N D O N, Aug. 15 -- Slacker soccer players from Leeds United, an elite English soccer club, are being forced to swap their Ferraris and Porsches for a three-wheeled old rust bucket, The Sun reports.

Leeds is gearing up for the new season by making their worst-performing player of the week drive around in the embarrassing car for a full seven days.

This week, defender Jonathan Woodgate has to face the ridicule of fans and teammates as he makes his way to practice and home games in the bucket of bolts.

The team chairman is convinced the stunt "reinforces the notion that teams win trophies, not individual players."

The old banger will be auctioned off for charity at the end of the season.

Parlez-Vous Anglais?

France and Germany are accusing Britain of trying to turn Europe into an English-speaking continent, The Daily Telegraph reveals.

The bone of contention is the European Union's translation policy.

Britain wants draft documents in only three languages: French, German and English.

But Germany and France are already reading the subtext — this is the first step in an Anglo-Saxon conspiracy to turn English into the lingua franca of Europe.

Today, the EU's 15 member countries have almost 4,000 translators working all-out to provide every single document in the 11 official languages.

Britain is keen to avoid bureaucratic paralysis when as many as 12 East European countries join in the coming years.

But while translation already accounts for 40 percent of the union's administration cost, France and Germany seem willing to pay any price to keep talking past each other.

I'm Not Tiger Woods

The next Tiger Woods will not be British, the Daily Mail writes.

Two-year-old Daniel Williams was banned from a public park for playing with his plastic golf clubs as an overzealous park attendant deemed him a danger to passers-by. "Is it any wonder we can't produce world class sports stars?" the paper asks.

Daniel's longest drive so far is about 7 feet.