The Evolution of Man ... Toward Suck

Dec. 1, 2009 — -- Jamaican Usain Bolt ran the 200 meters in 19.19 seconds at this year's track and field world championships in Berlin, setting a new world record. The fastest man who ever lived, right?

"He may be the fastest man around today, I wouldn't dispute that," said Peter McAllister, an anthropologist. "He certainly is not the fastest man ever to have lived."

Really? Well, according to anthropologists who have studied 20,000-year-old human footprints in Australia, the ancient hunter who left them was running at more than 23 mph, just a whisker slower than Bolt. But, they say, that hunter was accelerating.

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To leave such prints, the hunter would likely have been moving through soft mud, and possibly 3 to 4 inches of water as well.

Apparently ancient aboriginals -- given spiked shoes, spandex shorts and a flat track -- would make Bolt look like he's going backward.

McAllister has written a book called "Manthropology: The Science of the Inadequate Modern Male." He claims we're pathetic specimens.

"I'm looking to puncture some of the pretensions we have about ourselves," said McAllister. "We think of ourselves as better in every respect. Well, I just want to show that we're not better."

McAllister claims a Neanderthal woman -- any Neanderthal woman -- could beat Arnold Schwarzenegger in an arm-wrestling match. And he's talking Arnie of Conan vintage.

And a lack of brawn, McAllister says, isn't our only weakness.

We think of ourselves as exceptionally supportive, holding our wives' hands when they give birth. Well, the ancient Huichol Indians tied ropes around their testicles for their wives to pull on.

That's sharing the pain.