Transcript: Dr. Jonathan Stern on Marital Strife

April 26 -- Conventional wisdom says couples in unhappy marriages should stay together for the kids. But are children really better off in a domestic war zone?

Primetime Thursday took a candid look at two couples on the brink of divorce — and children caught in the middle. More than 300 hours of videotape captured over 10 weeks revealed marriages filled with tension and mistrust.

Dr. Jonathan Stern, a New York-based clinical psychologist who analyzed the video footage for Primetime, said marital conflict can take a tremendous toll on children. Dr. Stern discussed marital strife and its effects on children in a live online chat with our viewers. A transcript follows.

Also, read the Primetime report and share your thoughts with other viewers on our message board.

ModeratorWelcome to our live chat with clinical psychologist Jonathan Stern. You may have seen Dr. Stern last night on Primetime Thursday, in which he analyzed videotapes showing the conflicts in two marriages. He joins us now from his consulting practice in Litchfield, Conn.

Tara asks:Watching Primetime tonight was like watching a video tape of our own lives. While our fights are not as severe, I feel that we are heading that way. My question is what can we do now to stop this pattern of destruction, eliminate the hurt and resentment, and get on with our lives together? Is there a checklist or set of rules we can follow when discussing and dealing with our problems?

Dr. Jonathan SternFirst, institute the "no-blame rule." Neither you nor your partner are allowed to point the finger at each other when you have a disagreement. Instead, begin all comments with "when such-and-such happens, I feel..."

Second, notice when your feelings are out of proportion to the situation. Pull back from the situation, give yourself a "time out," and find ways to calm those feelings down before entering into the interaction.

Kim asks:What do you do when your spouse doesnt believe in counseling and you know you need to go to marriage counseling or things will just not work?

Dr. Jonathan SternFirst, decide whether your partner's not going to counseling is a "deal breaker" for your marriage. Ask yourself whether you are willing to say to your partner that if he doesn't participate in counseling, you're going to end the marriage.

If it's not a deal breaker for you, then I suggest that you go to individual therapy. You can still work on some of the same issues, but unfortunately not as effectively as with couples therapy. However, the therapist might help you to strategize how to get your partner to participate once the therapist understands his dynamics and your collective dynamics.

Charlie asks: In reference to your response to Kim. Couldn't her having a counselor help her get her spouse to go to counseling be seen by him as controling if he finds out?