FUNNIES: Shhh! It's a Secret

A roundup of the late-night comics.

The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: President Bush announced today we're now safer than we were five years ago. Well sure, now that Paris Hilton's off the road.

Late Night

Conan O' Brien: At a press conference yesterday, for the first time President Bush acknowledged the existence of secret CIA prisons. Yeah. Yeah, then the President added, "But don't tell anybody."

The Tonight Show

Leno: Al Qaeda has released another video. This is rather strange. It features a 28-year-old American named Adam Pearlman from Orange County, Calif. … Show the video. Here's a couple of seconds of the guy. Here's the actual guy.

Adam Pearlman [al Qaeda video]: Needless to say, this ignorance of theirs is for the most part willful.

Leno: Okay, now Al Qaeda says this tape was made in Pakistan, but see I don't buy it. The kid's from Orange County. See, I think it was made at his parent's house. In fact, we enhanced the video. Listen here, here. Shhh, shhh, shhh, just listen carefully.

Pearlman [on video]: That it is the most knowledgeable in the history of the world.

Woman's Voice [off camera]: Adam, what are you doing up there? Are you picking up your room like I asked? Answer me!

Late Night

O' Brien: This is a big story. It's been reported that British Prime Minister Tony Blair is going to be stepping down next summer. He's going to be stepping down -- yeah, stepping down. After hearing about it, President Bush said, "Damn, he's the only foreign guy who speaks American."

The Tonight Show

Leno: In more serious news, President Bush's new position on torture is: We don't do it, we've never done it, and we're going to stop doing it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Kimmel: Our silly president made a speech today. In it, he acknowledged that there are, it turns out there are, CIA prisons, um, secret CIA prisons. And [he] announced the transfer of 14 key terrorist leaders from those secret prisons to Guantanamo Bay. Among those being transferred is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Remember this guy? [shows picture] They, they call him the James Bond of al Qaeda. He looks more like the James Belushi of al Qaeda.

Join the Discussion
You are using an outdated version of Internet Explorer. Please click here to upgrade your browser in order to comment.
blog comments powered by Disqus
 
You Might Also Like...