FUNNIES: Shhh! It's a Secret

A roundup of the late-night comics.

The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: President Bush announced today we're now safer than we were five years ago. Well sure, now that Paris Hilton's off the road.

Late Night

Conan O' Brien: At a press conference yesterday, for the first time President Bush acknowledged the existence of secret CIA prisons. Yeah. Yeah, then the President added, "But don't tell anybody."

The Tonight Show

Leno: Al Qaeda has released another video. This is rather strange. It features a 28-year-old American named Adam Pearlman from Orange County, Calif. … Show the video. Here's a couple of seconds of the guy. Here's the actual guy.

Adam Pearlman [al Qaeda video]: Needless to say, this ignorance of theirs is for the most part willful.

Leno: Okay, now Al Qaeda says this tape was made in Pakistan, but see I don't buy it. The kid's from Orange County. See, I think it was made at his parent's house. In fact, we enhanced the video. Listen here, here. Shhh, shhh, shhh, just listen carefully.

Pearlman [on video]: That it is the most knowledgeable in the history of the world.

Woman's Voice [off camera]: Adam, what are you doing up there? Are you picking up your room like I asked? Answer me!

Late Night

O' Brien: This is a big story. It's been reported that British Prime Minister Tony Blair is going to be stepping down next summer. He's going to be stepping down -- yeah, stepping down. After hearing about it, President Bush said, "Damn, he's the only foreign guy who speaks American."

The Tonight Show

Leno: In more serious news, President Bush's new position on torture is: We don't do it, we've never done it, and we're going to stop doing it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Kimmel: Our silly president made a speech today. In it, he acknowledged that there are, it turns out there are, CIA prisons, um, secret CIA prisons. And [he] announced the transfer of 14 key terrorist leaders from those secret prisons to Guantanamo Bay. Among those being transferred is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Remember this guy? [shows picture] They, they call him the James Bond of al Qaeda. He looks more like the James Belushi of al Qaeda.