FUNNIES: The Ted Stevens Internet

July 16, 2006 — -- A roundup of the late-night comics.

Conan O'Brien: G-8 Summit getting underway tomorrow. Officials say this year the hardest part will be keeping the leader of France from head-butting the leader of Italy.

Craig Ferguson: Kim Jong-Il, that's who I'm talking about. This bully, he's got the crazy hair, the terrible style, the bad clothing. It turns out the devil doesn't wear Prada. Right? The devil wears Members Only.

Jay Leno: This week, President Bush said we should be patient with North Korea. He said we should use diplomacy, we should not rush into any kind of military action until we are sure, absolutely sure, of what we are doing. At which point Dick Cheney grabbed him by the throat and said, "What have you done with the real President Bush? Who are you?"

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: Right now, two key Internet-related issues are making the rounds in Washington, D.C. One involves the Net Neutrality Act, which would allow larger, more powerful corporations higher-speed access to customers, establishing a two-tiered hierarchy amongst-- Ah, you know what? It's awfully complicated. Why don't I let an expert, say, the head of the Senate Commerce Committee, which regulates e-commerce, explain.
Sen. Ted Stevens, R-Alaska: The Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes.
Jon Stewart: All right. That, uh, might have sounded more like something you'd hear from, let's say, a crazy old man in an airport bar at 3 a.m., then the chairman of the Senate Commerce Committee.

Late Show

David Letterman: Do we have any online gamblers here, people who like to online gamble? Well, you know, Congress is looking into shutting that down. There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling, and they're going to shut it down. That's right. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korea thing. But right now, they're going after the online …