Pigs on a plane? That's how some people act while flying. Some.
Not most of us or even many of us, but those who do (and you know who you are) are no picnic for the rest of us. Especially if we have to sit next to you.
This is not about terrorism -- or even the truly nutty things passengers try to pull, like the fellow who recently packed a couple of snakes in his luggage before his flight out of Dulles (TSA officers relieved him of his precious cargo ... very gingerly).
I'm talking about everyday bad behavior, everyday etiquette lapses, everyday sins. Although I suppose the item about "human heads on a plane " is a tiny bit out of the ordinary.
No. 1: Heads Will Roll
The Sin: Improper Packing
That story about the human heads found on a Southwest plane was just gruesome (but admit it, you read it). The problem? Improper packing (the heads were mislabeled and wrapped with lots of duct tape).
But improper packing isn't just the bane of body part shippers; it can turn normally mild mannered passengers into Bin Hogs (see No. 4); worse, it can cost you big money in bag fees.
Proper packing -- in a carry-on -- can save a family of four $200 on a single flight. The trick is to pack light: wear your sneakers or good shoes and put the flip flops in the carry-on and don't overestimate the amount of clothes you need. And remember, hotels can probably do your laundry or dry-cleaning a lot more cheaply than what you'd pay for a bag fee or the very steep overweight luggage fee.
The Sin: Rudeness to the Cabin Crew
For this one, I turned to Martha Stewardess. Don't let her funny blog fool you: She's a real flight attendant and a complete pro in the air.
It doesn't take much to make Martha happy: "A 'thank you' from a passenger is like hitting the lottery! Not the Mega, but maybe a $5 scratch-off."
Recently, Martha noticed one of the passengers asking a gate agent to let her back on the plane to search for a missing cell phone, but the agent said no (a crew escort is required). Martha was off the clock at this point, and could have kept walking but turned around to help the woman because she was a "nice" passenger.
And what about the fellow in first class who threw a fit because Martha didn't have his choice of entree? "I knew everyone was listening, so I calmly stated, 'Sir, I said we were out of chicken, not we've lost power in both engines.'" He didn't laugh, but everyone else did. Zing.
No. 3: Suck It Up
The Sin: Yelling on the Plane
It's bad enough when kids scream on planes, but they're kids. What can you do? However, I draw the line at grown-ups screaming on planes.
Examples: the distraught man repeatedly yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'm going to die! I'm going to die!" as two kindly business travelers try in vain to calm him down. Please, if you're that fearful of flying, why get on the plane?
Then there was the angry screamer who created such a disturbance on a Southwest flight that the cops came and took him off. Everyone applauded, especially after one of the weary cops turned to the passengers and said, "I'm coming with you!"
How do I know about these screamers? Video of them is all over the Internet. If you don't want to be a YouTube star, behave yourself.
No. 4: Oinkers at the Bin Trough