Air Late Night: Owner, Jimmy Fallon
We do divert. Younger and better looking flight attendants elbow aside the older ones. Then they take a hard look at us passengers. "Are you between 18 and 49?" they ask. Older folks are forced to retrieve their bags and deplane. I'm allowed to stay, but just barely.
Our new pilot -- is this guy old enough to fly? - chooses this moment to get on the plane's PA and I pay attention because he's talking about an incident I've written about. "A passenger on a flight to JFK had to be restrained with duct tape after he got drunk and started yelling at other passengers," he said, adding, "Duct tape, or what Southwest Airlines calls, 'a seatbelt."**
One of the flight attendants holds up a cue card: "Clap!" My seatmates applaud wildly.
Alec Air: Owner, Alec Baldwin
I love this airline because nobody cares if you ever turn off your electronic devices. Phones, iPads, turn 'em on, keep 'em on, it's all the same to them. Just don't take a photo. The flight attendants have been heard muttering "stupid paparazzi" just before kicking offending passengers off the plane. In mid-flight.
Air Celeb: Owner, Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber or TMZ's current headliner
These passengers are not cattle. They are pampered beyond belief. And when they say, "Do you know who I am?" the flight attendants nod vigorously and seat them in first class. Indeed, we all sit in first class because there is no coach.
I'm not sure how I got on this flight because tickets for Air Celeb are 10 times the price of other airlines but I'm not complaining. The gourmet meals are terrific and the gold-plated tray tables are another nice touch. So are the massages. The only jarring note is that every now and then a flight attendant approaches a passenger and tells them it's time to go.
"Why must they go?" I asked a passing flight attendant who looked surprised. "Why, their fifteen minutes are up."
I wake up. Suddenly, the real airlines aren't looking so bad.
*Actual joke by Jay Leno. **Actual joke by Jimmy Fallon.
The opinions expressed by Rick Seaney are his alone and not those of ABC News.