Far from paradise: Tales of honeymoon mishaps ahead

— -- The quintessential honeymoon gone haywire has to be the one in the 1972 movie The Heartbreak Kid, in which a bridegroom (Charles Grodin) falls for a bombshell (Cybill Shepherd) while his bride is room-bound with a sunburn. The remake, starring Ben Stiller, opens today. But what about real-life horror honeymoons? USA TODAY asked readers to point the way to their post-wedding travel woes.

Termite crossing

On the way to Kauai (Hawaii), I developed a dragging, loud cough. We stayed in a bed & breakfast near Poipu Beach. It was someone's home, and you stayed in the only other bedroom in the house. Each day and night, I would have huge coughing attacks.

One night we were watching TV, and I was really coughing. All of a sudden, my wife screamed, "Your back!" It was covered with bugs!

The homeowners came back home, and I told them that they had a bug problem, and we were getting out of the house. The wife turned to me and said, "Were they little red ones?" I replied, "Yes." She said, "Don't worry. Those are termites. I killed a few hundred the other day!"

We departed the next day to Maui.

— Steve Silverman, 42, Westfield, N.J.

Dead critters ahead

When we arrived in St. Thomas, our honeymoon suite had twin beds. They pushed the beds together, but we still had to deal with the gap in the middle.

The room itself was falling apart, and the bathroom and shower were covered in mildew. After investigating a strange smell, we found a dead lizard in the sofa cushions. On one of our many visits to the front desk, another honeymoon couple (also with twin beds) produced a dead spider so large that they had to carry it in a shower cap.

The rest of the story involved passing through customs, only to be held captive in an un-air-conditioned room without food or drinks for about 10 hours, due to a mechanical problem with the plane. My wife, Theresa, is a vegetarian and could eat only white bread when they brought in bologna sandwiches.

Back in Baltimore, we were pulled over by the police. The officer informed me that my license plate was upside down — a prank from our wedding reception. My wife (not in a good mood) thrust the "Just Married" sign in the back seat into the face of the officer and started yelling at him. He backed away from the car with his hands up. All I heard him say was, "Have a nice day."