Vampires and Prohibitionists for President

June 23, 2007 — -- He calls himself a "vampyre" and claims he's been drinking blood since age five. He also wants to be your next president.

Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey is running unchallenged for the Vampire, Witches and Pagan Party 2008 presidential nomination.

Most Americans would have a hard time naming the 19 more-or-less official candidates, but, in fact, there are hundreds of Americans running on third-party and independent tickets.

Sharkey is running on an "impale criminals" platform.

Gene Amondson, a preacher, supports prohibition.

"Average Joe" Schriner is making his third bid as a, simply put, average Joe.

"If you count those who run in the primary, and those who are write-in candidates and are actually making an effort to run, you have 200 or 300 candidates each cycle," said Ron Gunzburger, the publisher of Politics1.com, a site that tracks both the mainstream and lesser-known contenders.

Even a campaign some would call a joke takes a lot of work. These candidates file Federal Elections Commission paperwork, petition to get on ballots, and traverse the nation trying to drum up support. And for their months of effort they will not even come close to one percent of the vote.

Gunzburger has a few theories on why the outsiders run.

"I think some of them have sincere messages and contribute to the debate," he said. "Some of them are the class clowns who miss the attention since high school finished. And some are running because mom told them they are special, and they believe it still."

Sharkey claims he's "in it to win it." Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., used the same line in her announcement, but Sharkey is willing to share. He said he would welcome Mrs. Clinton as a running mate.

"I expect to win because I think the American people are tired of living in fear," Sharkey said. "America has a chance to put somebody in office that people will fear."

He recognizes his downfalls -- being a Satanist for one -- but he thinks the American people will respond to him "once they get past the fact that I'm a non-Christian. Actually I'm anti-Christian."