During his radio show today, Stern opened up about Wednesday's wedding at the couple's home in Bel Air, California, which was billed to guests as a birthday party for Theroux.
"They're so secretive, those two," Stern joked about tricking guests into thinking it wasn't the A-list duo's wedding.
As for giving a speech at the nuptials, Stern said on his Sirius XM show that he's always miserable speaking in public, but "I'm very friendly with Justin ... I like him, I really admire him. I even said in my speech to them that if one of my daughters brought home a guy like Justin, I'd be very pleased. Except for the s***** tattoos."
Also included in Stern's speech, which had guests in stitches, was a tangent of his complaining about the seating and that everyone's cellphones were taken away.
"There was a table, and then you sit down and the chairs were called poufs, like little pillow poufs," he said. "I don't want to take a picture of you two! I really don't. I want my cellphone so after I make this speech I can call my car and get … out of here!"
Stern said he spoke for 10 minutes and also got a little emotional, saying sweet things about the newlyweds.
"So this really handsome guy is sitting next to me at the table ... This guy's like better-looking than Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise all rolled into one," he gushed. "I'm sitting and talking to this guy ... We're hitting it off and talking for a long time. I said, 'What is your name?' He says, 'Orlando.' ... He's so handsome!"
Stern said Jimmy Kimmel, who won't dance, officiated the wedding and "did a beautiful job."
The couple's first dance? A Sia song and she sang it live at the wedding.
"I run to Orlando and say, 'Orlando, first dance?' So Orlando grabbed me so tight, I thought my bones were going to break," he added.