EXCERPT: 'Oh No She Didn't'

Read an excerpt from the new book by TV fashionista Clinton Kelly.

ByABC News via logo
October 12, 2010, 10:36 AM

Oct. 13, 2010— -- Clinton Kelly of TLC's "What Not to Wear" exposes North America's most heinous fashion crimes in "Oh No She Didn't: The Top 100 Style Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them."

From horizontal-striped turtlenecks tucked into high-waisted Mom Jeans to pairing socks with sandals, Kelly skewers those responsible for the fashion insults he's subjected to on a daily basis in the airport or on the street. It's all part of his "mission to make America a more beautiful place."

Read an excerpt from the book below, and head to the "GMA" Library to find more good reads.

I mean, seriously, sometimes I'm surprised I haven't already gouged out my own eyes. Truth be told, I did come pretty damn close once. I was in Pittsburgh, at the airport, or maybe it was Cincinnati. Doesn't matter, really. There I was, just minding my own business, reading the newspaper and waiting for my flight to board, when a couple of women approached me.

"Are you Clinton?" one of them asked.

This question always kind of bugs me. You know it's me. Just say hello and go back to your quadruple mocha latte. "Yep," I replied, and looked up to see two of the most horrific outfits imaginable. Both women—both—wore horizontal-striped turtlenecks tucked into high-waisted Mom Jeans with white cross-trainers.

"We love your show!" said one.

"We watch it all the time!" declared the other.

I smiled and said thank you, because I'm a gentleman. But inside my little head, I screamed to the heavens with all my might: Why, God! Why do you hate me so much!

Maybe I get a tad exasperated from time to time, but certainly you can understand why. I've spent the good part of decade explaining, with as much patience as I could muster, why you shouldn't pair socks with sandals, why you might want to avoid tube tops after the age of forty, why elastic-waist pants are evil incarnate. But, evidently, not everyone is listening.

Still, I continue on with my mission to make America a more beautiful place. I'm like that Native American dude from the commercial who cries when he sees people litter. Except I'm not crying. It's more like I'm laughing at you. In fact, he's laughing at you too. We're having gin and tonics right now, and I was telling him that your outfit was revolting. And you know what he said?

"And how."

And how! Could you just die? I almost peed my pants a little.

The Mom Jean

I was recently nursing a hangover on the couch and flipping through the TV channels, when I stumbled upon "The First Wives Club." And after about a half hour of watching it, I realized two very important things: First, this is one of the worst movies ever made. I mean, seriously. The script is a steaming pile of pure poo. And second, Diane Keaton should stop shaking her head so much. She's going to give herself a goddamn concussion.

But I also noticed that Elizabeth Berkley's character (a mindless twit whose name I couldn't bother remembering) was wearing a pair of high-waisted, light-wash, tapered-leg jeans! That chick had a rockin' body and even her rump looked as wide and flat as a trash can lid. It blows my mind. That movie was made in 19-freakin'-96 and women across North America are evidently still using it as a style guide.

Listen to me, ladies, and listen well; I'm only going to say this 27,352 more times before my career is over: Instead of the Mom Jean, go buy a pair of dark-wash trouser jeans. They should rest about an inch below the belly button. They should also hang from the widest part of the hip, straight down to the ground. Hem them so that they are about a quarter of an inch off the floor. Then, throw your old jeans into the biggest, most raging, blazing fire you can find.

Thank you.