'What Did I Do Wrong? : When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship Is Over'

April 6, 2006 — -- Sometimes close female friendships come to an end. According to author Liz Pryor, women have the tendency to bring these relationships to a close with silence. They stop calling their friend back and turn down requests to get together.

Pryor investigated the roots of this issue through personal interviews and stories submitted to her Web site, www.lizpryor.com. She reveals warning signs, patterns, and ways to help a friendship in trouble.

Chapter One

MAGGIE: The Loss That Redefines Us

"Help us to be ever faithful gardeners of the spirit, who know that without darkness nothing comes to birth, and without light nothing flowers." -- May Sarton

The ending of my friendship with Maggie ultimately led to the profound beginning of something much bigger -- a realization of the prevalence of these unhappy endings to women's friendships and a need to understand them. However, at the time, I was completely unaware of anything other than the sadness, confusion, and havoc her avoidance had brought into my life.

I felt positive that Maggie and I were not these two estranged women. If our friendship were in trouble, we would have discussed it. Something or someone would be accountable. Maggie would never say, "I'm busy," and be done with it -- or would she?

I hung on as long as I could to the sliver of hope that the whole thing was some sort of crazy mix-up. In fact I convinced myself after another week had passed to call her one more time. Maybe, just maybe, I was insanely paranoid and would we would laugh together at the absurdity of the idea of this friendship being over. I dialed her number, and the moment she answered, I wished I hadn't -- I wanted to hang up, but instead we carried on a brief swapping of "How are you's?" Everything I had felt earlier was validated once and for all? She was done.

Through my wave of nausea, I found the courage before hanging up to ask if she was angry with me about something. I think it was my feeble way of letting her know that I was on to what she was doing. She stuck quietly and adamantly to the "busy" thing. My sliver of hope was gone as I put the receiver down.

The part of me that sees a glass as half full recognized that at least the guessing was over. She was done. But I was a mess. Just after I hung up the phone with her I felt the first real taste of rage, sadness, and shame. I think I was angry with myself for not having had the nerve to say something more direct -- like, "I know what you're doing, you coward. At least admit what you are doing here. Say, 'I break with thee.' Say something." But I couldn't muster up any more to say to her even though, clearly, I had nothing to lose. But the emotions of these experiences are tough to explain while you're close to them and right in them. That's one reason I wanted to write this book -- to help myself, and other women, get clarity and perspective on these murky situations.

For about a year after Maggie broke off our friendship, I felt wretched. It was hard not to keep imagining that I'd said or done some god-awful thing of which I was completely unaware. I wracked my brain, desperate to recall any clue, and then moved on again and again to scrutinize my overall character. I would find great faults in who I am, but nothing specific to our friendship.