Rules to Make Your Relationship Last

— -- intro: For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, what is it that makes a marriage last (and last)? To answer this age-old question, family sociologist Karl Pillemer, PhD, launched the largest in-depth survey of long-married couples ever conducted, interviewing 700 people who had been hitched an average of 43 years. Their sage advice is collected in his new book, 30 Lessons for Loving ($26, amazon.com).

Here, a few of our favorite practical relationship tips from husbands and wives who've discovered the true meaning of commitment.

20 Weird Facts About Sex and Love

quicklist: 1category: Rules to Make Your Relationship Lasttitle: Start the day with a small kindnessurl:text:“When you wake up in the morning, think, What can I do to make his or her day just a little happier? The idea is you need to turn toward each other and focus on the other person, even just for that five minutes when you first wake up.”—Antoinette Watkins*, 81

10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship Instantly

quicklist: 2category: Rules to Make Your Relationship Lasttitle: Remember that being close doesn’t mean you’re the sameurl:text:“You have to be able to try—and sometimes this is very, very difficult—you have to try to understand what the other person is thinking in any given situation. The main thing is that everybody—including your partner—has their own ideas about their world. Even though you’re in a very intimate relationship, the other person is still another person.”—Reuben Elliot, 72

13 Healthy Reasons to Have More Sex

quicklist: 3category: Rules to Make Your Relationship Lasttitle: Stop worrying about your wrinklesurl:text:“Somehow as you get older you kind of get blind to the infirmities that affect the other party. And you always see them the way they were. You don’t see aging. It’s a wonderful thing. I don’t know if the brain is wired for that, but that’s the way it is.”—Alfredo Doyle, 77

quicklist: 4category: Rules to Make Your Relationship Lasttitle: Find your “fight number 17”surl:text:“This may sound like a flip thing, but it works for us. We came up with it at some point along the way: We call it jokingly ‘fight number 17.’ … It means we’ve had this one at least 16 times before. We've decided we don’t even bother to have it anymore. We see it coming and we just shut up and don’t even start with it. Because it’s not going to go anywhere. My theory is that in every marriage there is one of those issues.”—Ralph Perkins

quicklist: 5category: Rules to Make Your Relationship Lasttitle: Nurture the friendshipurl:text:“I think it’s hard when you’re young and hot on one another to back off and say, ‘Do I like what is behind these hands and these body parts?’ But that is the piece that doesn’t wear out, that grows and deepens. The sexual aspect deepens, too, in its own way, but it becomes less important and the friendship becomes more important as the years go by. It will be challenged by kids and hardships and losses of parents and changing interests and patterns, but an abiding friendship is at the base of a solid marriage.”—Lydia Wade, 73