7 Rules of Fighting Fair on Valentine’s Day
True love is messy and fighting is not always bad.
— -- While the rest of the world is living in a bubble of roses, chocolates and diamonds, you and your loved one are fighting over dishes, diapers and debt. But that’s not actually a bad thing.
True love is messy. Digging into that mess is where we discover what we -- and our partner -- are really feeling; what we need, what we care about, what bugs us, what delights us. Playing "nicey-nice" isn’t what brings people close. It’s truthful, emotional, deep expression where we make genuine contact with our partner.
So throw off the romantic ideal and get real. Fighting doesn’t “ruin” Valentine’s Day -- it can lead to intimate connection and closeness -- if you use the following rules of engagement:
Minimize the Negative
Ticked off because your significant other didn’t make plans for Valentine’s Day? Minimize the destructive, contemptuous fighting tactics like blaming, attacking, name-calling, sarcasm and mocking. No fight is perfect but low blows don’t get you anywhere.
Accentuate the Positive
Use fighting tactics to move you forward. Be open, vulnerable, genuine and truthful, and tell your partner why it really matters.
Never Take or Give More Than 50% of the Blame
It takes two to tango. Maybe your date started the argument, but you were the one who responded poorly. In any fight, the highest percentage of blame any one person can have is 50%. It may not be easy, but if you can stick to this rule, you’ll be amazed how much more productive your fight will be.
Take 100% Responsibility for Your Happiness and Satisfaction
It’s your job to make yourself happy and yours alone. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. If you want something specific for Valentine’s Day or in your relationship, ask for it. Be direct.
Express and Agree With the Truth, Always
Tell the truth. And any time your partner says something that is true, acknowledge it. In most fights, a lot of true things get said, but we don’t admit it. Really practice saying, "You’re right. ... Good point. ... Hadn’t thought of it that way." And if you were wrong, fess up. The truth goes a long way.
Fight FOR, Not Against
Most of us fight against something we don’t want vs. fighting for what we do want. What are you fighting for? Do you want to be heard, affirmed or to matter? Do you want to be closer? Get a certain result? Go for it directly. And watch the complaining, that’s never fighting for something.
Assume Good Will
Always assume the other person has good will, rather than ill will for you. Sure, you may sometimes want to hurt your partner or they want to hurt you in the heat of the battle. By assuming they have positive intentions, rather than assuming they have it out for you, your fight will more likely get resolved.
So forget the perfectly orchestrated Valentine’s Day. Let it rip, responsibly. Follow these rules and you may have one of the best Valentine’s Days ever.
Relationship counselor and author, Dr. Judith Wright, is author of the upcoming book “The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to 15 Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer”.
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