This one's for you, Baylor boosters who want Art Briles back

— -- Baylor interim president David Garland acknowledged this week that a few key donors have called for the reinstatement of Art Briles. What in the great hell could those boosters be thinking? Let's imagine what such an appeal might look like.

Dear Baylor Board of Regents,

Look, we took all that "off-the-field" stuff seriously for a few weeks, but now it's time for Baylor to bring back Art Briles to coach the football team. If we absolutely have to, have him sit out a year or whatever, but there are a bunch of really good freshmen coming in that signed national letters of intent. I'm sure they'd stop trying to get out of those agreements if we could just subtly let them know that the whole "self-imposed sanctions" stuff is temporary.

We can't just let go of one of the best recruiting classes in a decade simply because a bunch of people in the athletic department allegedly covered up sexual assault allegations. Thoughts and prayers, but where are your priorities?! Are we really supposed to let those recruits go to other Big 12 schools?

Remember, Pepper Hamilton only released a summary of all the awful, misogynistic and immoral things that were alleged to have taken place. The whole thing has yet to be released, and who knows what's in there? We can never, ever know. (Note: Please don't ever release the entire report, K? Thx.)

I'm sure those coaches and athletic department staffers who were said to have obstructed or covered up allegations -- and again, we can never, ever say definitely who they are -- are really sorry about this whole situation. When Briles gets back, everyone can return to focusing on football and football only. Because football was never the problem. And if football ever were the problem, the best solution is always more football. And Art Briles is a great football coach.

Now, there are some haters (who probably go to schools with terrible football teams) who might say we are doing this higher-education thing all wrong. They might say we've undermined our values as a Christian school, or that we propped up an easily-manipulated enabler as a president and chancellor, or that we have a systematic disregard for Title IX and have ignored rules that would create a safer space for our students.

All of those elitist, liberal values matter less on Saturdays when some player who was never formally convicted of anything scores six points for a team wearing your colors. That's when you know, in your heart, that winning is your greatest value of all.

Sincerely, 

A. Booster