FUNNIES: No Ramp Needed

A roundup of the late-night comics.

The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: And the White House said today that President Bush is expected to make his Iraqi strategy public, but not until after the holidays. Oh, yeah, what's the rush, huh? Take a break.

Late Night

Conan O'Brien: Dennis Kucinich, who ran for President in '04, announced he's running again in '08. Yeah, yeah, coincidentally 04 is the number of votes Kucinich received.

The Tonight Show

Leno: Earlier this week, President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate victory too early. Yeah. This, from the guy that put up the "Mission Accomplished" sign three years ago.

The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert: Incoming House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer announced a new five-day work week for Congress, replacing the previous three-day Tuesday to Thursday schedule. This is terrible folks. How's a congressman supposed to take advantage of a four-day Disney flex-pass?

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: Also bidding farewell, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist.

Sen. Bill Frist, R-Tenn. [video]: I came over to this desk and I opened the drawer, and that tradition of carving your initials or your name into the bottom of that was carried out.

Stewart: Yes, when a senator leaves the Capitol, he does so with one last bittersweet act of vandalism.

The Tonight Show

Leno: And former Attorney General John Ashcroft is in the news. Remember that guy? He's come out with a new book. It just was released today, it says ah, 'Don't Blame Me, I Left in 2005.' I'm out of here.

The Daily Show

Stewart: So why are people in New Hampshire this week going gag-gag over first-time memoirist Barack Obama?

[video of Obama in N.H.]

Gov. John Lynch: We originally scheduled the Rolling Stones for this party. But we cancelled them when we realized that Sen. Obama would sell more tickets.

Stewart: Oh, oh. And he added, "And Barack Obama would not require we build a wheelchair ramp."