Advice on the Sexless Marriage

QUESTION: My husband and I have an 8 year difference, he is older and now 46. We have been married for 14 years. We are viewed as the perfect couple we are attractive, successful, 2 kids....you get the picture, what a false picture it is. Actually everything is great...except for our sex life. When we were younger this age thing worked in his favor and I thought mine … till now. I thought what was going on was reflecting our age difference, I see now it could be a number of things. After forcing him to get blood tests, I got the results yesterday. Testosterone level is FINE. Today I see your article and my eyes have been opened. Stress is very high at this point as far as career and all other aspects of our marriage are pretty solid, but as you stated this one aspect is starting to creep in and sour our solid structure. Could the age thing, (my sex drive is high) stress and his lack of desire give us a triple threat? He has been blaming his lack of desire on work stress for the past five years. I'm feeling pretty self conscious and feel like I should be wearing a sack on my head, because no one would ever think of sleeping with me, well, not no one, just my husband. We also have 2 girls hitting early teen years which adds more stress! Whether this e-mail goes live or not, I am thankful to have found your article! THANK YOU!

ANSWER: I'm glad you found the article too and I hope you've made it to my Web site, divorcebusting.com. It sounds like you have so much going for you, it would be a shame to let it get ruined!! Your family sounds like a typical American family these days. You both have stressful schedules and throw into the mix your kids — testy teenagers, at that — and you've got a situation that isn't exactly an aphrodisiac. There could be many reasons your husband isn't feeling amorous.

For starters, just because his testosterone level is normal doesn't mean that there isn't some other underlying medical condition. A thorough check up is a good place to start. If no other medical issues are of concern, the problem may be due to personal issues- he might be depressed or feeling anxious — or relationship issues such as unresolved resentment, anger or hurt. Since men aren't always great at expressing their feelings, he might be harboring feelings of resentment and keeping them to himself.

But rather than get stuck diagnosing the problem, I say find a solution. And in order to find a solution, you have to quit doing what hasn't been working and do something different instead. Since I don't know you or how you've approached this situation so far, it's hard for me to give you direct advice. Have you been nagging or criticizing? If so, you have to start being more loving and considerate, even if you don't feel like it. Have you been silently storming around the house or keeping to yourself for fear of rejection? If so, time to come out of the closet. You need to talk to him about your unhappiness and suggest reading a book, taking a marriage class or getting some professional help. Have you been working overtime trying to fix this problem between you? If so, you need to take a sabbatical from fixing things and focus on yourself instead. Give him a chance to notice you've stopped working so hard on your marriage and let him step up to the plate himself! Identify what you've been doing that hasn't been working and get creative!

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