Attention Sinners: A Simple Guide to Sainthood [SATIRE]

June 25, 2013— -- The former Pope John Paul II is quickly approaching sainthood, 8 years after his death. Now that his second posthumous miracle was approved by a group of theologians, he'll have his sainthood in the fall... just in time for back-to-school.

If, like me, you are a terrible Catholic, you probably thought JP2 was already a saint. However, you are wrong. Reaching sainthood status is a long and arduous process that makes about as much sense as a slutty nun outfit for Halloween.

Having slept through most of religion class back at my all-girl Catholic school, I decided to investigate this process called sainthood, fully knowing I'll never achieve it.

Elise Roedenbeck is a writer and comedian who frequently smells nice and showers often.