— Dad's king on Father's Day — even if he spends his free time lying on his back watching TV.
This weekend, your mission is to honor the patriarch in your family, and if he's a beer-guzzling couch potato, let him know that he's the world's best beer-guzzling couch potato.
"Between work and family, when a dad has a moment to himself, a lot of the time he just wants to vegetate, and you can let him know on Father's Day that that's OK," says gift consultant Amelia Ostroff of Itsthethought.com.
"My dad is 75, and he just loves those moments when he can sit undisturbed and play his video games."
That's why a necktie — the classic Father's Day gift — sometimes serves as nothing more than a reminder of the pressure Dad faces at work.
Instead, The Wolf Files is here to cater to paternal indulgences. Want to help your pop consume more beer around the barbecue? Want to make it so he'll never have to shave again?
With the help of Ostroff and some other gift experts, here are some gift suggestions for a Lazy Man's Father's Day.
Gifts for the Lazy Man
1. For Couch Potato Royalty: A Sterling Silver Remote Control
Does your dad guard the channel changer as if it's the last box of doughnuts on Earth? Now he can surf the boob tube in style. The sterling silver universal remote control — available online from Michael C. Fina (www.michaelcfina.com) for $49.95 — works with just about any TV, DVD player and home theater.
It's just as easy to lose a sterling silver remote control, but it's more rewarding when you pull up all the sofa cushions and find the damn thing.
2. For French Fried Couch Potatoes: Electroshock TV Therapy
If Dad's just watching too much TV, maybe you need to jolt him back to normal with a booby-trapped remote control. It works just like a joy buzzer. When Dad presses the power button, he gets a little jolt — and maybe, just maybe, you can train him like Pavlov's dog.
The Shocking TV Remote Control, available online from Johnson Smith (www.johnsonsmith.com) for $9.98, isn't recommended if Dad's got a pacemaker or medical condition. But if he can handle the jolt of a AAA battery, and needs encouragement to leave the TV behind, let the electroshock TV therapy begin.
3. For the Caveman About Town: Permanent Beard Removal What if you could tell Pa that he'd never have to shave again? How about giving him the gift of laser surgery?
You might think some dads would feel emasculated without whiskers. But cosmetic surgeons say men are quickly discovering the modern joys of tampering with Mother Nature — and that's why plastic surgery is a now a Father's Day gift alternative.
With three sessions of laser treatments, your dad's face will forever be as smooth as a baby's bottom. Such a procedure costs about $1,000 (perhaps a little more if he's a member of ZZ Top), and places like the Neigel Center for Cosmetic & Laser Surgery in West Orange, N.J., even offers Father's Day Gift Certificates.
Of course, Father's Day is great opportunity to talk to your dad about his uni-brow and the shag rug upholstering his backside. That's why laser hair removal is also considered a Mother's Day gift.
4. For the Guy Who'd Rather Be Watching Football: The RoboMower One day robots will take over the world and enslave us. But right now, for $695, you can have one mow your lawn. Best of all, these creepy-crawly vacuum-like devices look a bit like R2-D2.