Excerpt: 'My Answer Is No'

Jan. 10, 2008 — -- It's a one syllable, two-letter word many people have difficulty using. Sometimes saying no can be the hardest thing to do. Feelings of guilt and anxiety can accompany it, but according to Nanette Gartrell, women should not be afraid to use the word. Her new book, "My Answer Is NO ... If That's Okay with You," takes a look at why even the most successful women find it hard to say no and offers an approach to setting limits.

Read an excerpt of the book below.

Women's Ways of NOing

NO is a very simple word. One syllable. Two letters. A complete sentence. NO is one of the shortest words in the English language, yet one of the most difficult for women to say. We hear "NO!" in our heads while our mouths are saying "YES," "Sure," "I'd be glad to," "Of course I will," or "I -wouldn't miss it for the world!" -It's often easier to agree than to just say NO.

Saying NO for women can be a genuine struggle because of our deeply rooted need for connection. To be considerate without jeopardizing our well--being or livelihood, and assertive without losing the relationships we value—these are two of -life's most compelling challenges. Sometimes, out of a desire to be helpful or charitable, we choose to say YES even when -it's difficult. At other times, we discover that -we're too concerned about being liked, loved, or respected to be able to say NO. If we muster the courage to speak up, we tend to be cautious: "my answer is NO . . . if -that's okay with you."

This book grew out of my realization that -women's reluctance to say NO comes from traits that we should value—empathy, sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and compassion—rather than suppress, as we are often advised to do when saying NO. These traits are necessary elements of human connection and preservation. When I think back over my own life, I find that the paths I took to NO, however circuitous, often helped me grow. Like most women, I have sometimes held on too long to relationships that I knew I'd be better off without. But I would never trade a guillotine--style NO for what I learned through my unwillingness to let go.

The idea for this book emerged one morning when I was having breakfast with TV journalist and surgeon Nancy Snyderman, who told me about a former employee who had repeatedly asked for special favors. "First she asked for time off to get a haircut," Nancy said. "Then she needed to run errands." Even though the employee took advantage of -Nancy's generosity, Nancy tried to accommodate these requests. Why? The employee was a single mom, and Nancy empathized with her situation.

I could certainly relate. I'd been despairing over a research collaboration that had gone sour. A colleague -who'd volunteered to help with a major project had missed deadlines and dropped the ball on numerous occasions, always with a mile--long list of excuses—health problems, dying relatives, car accidents, and the like. I -couldn't think of a way to get tough without feeling like a completely insensitive jerk.