Mom vs. Dad: How to Make Co-parenting Work

Aug. 20, 2008 — -- At the Lucius home, 8 a.m. looks vastly different, depending on the day. That's because mom Melissa and dad Richard alternate staying home with daughters Amanda, 8, and Veronica, 5. And while they share parenting responsibilities, their styles couldn't be more different.

Richard describes himself as a kid at heart, "like a grown-up playmate. Childlike play and adventure—that's what they get with me."

Melissa's style is decidedly more organized. When she's home, there's a plan for the day.

"I guess I'm less spontaneous," she admits. "We have things lined up to do on my days home with the girls."

When it comes to the kids, Richard, a jazz pianist, is true to his profession: He improvises. On a typical morning, breakfast proceeds at a slow tempo with the girls helping out along the way. Cleaning? Not a top priority.

On Mom's day, however, by 8 a.m. the kids are up, and Melissa is making crepes. The kitchen? Spotless.

The contrasts continue. On Dad's day, the girls stay in their pajamas long after breakfast and wear them into the backyard, where Richard suggests they shoot bows and arrows. Then, despite intermittent showers, Dad helps them find branches to make slingshots.

Same time next day with Mom? It's "get dressed, brush teeth, and plan the day." Richard, on the other hand, doesn't even begin to dress the girls until 10 a.m., and instead of marching them to the bathroom to brush their teeth, he brings the "bathroom" to them by letting them brush their teeth and rinse into a cup wherever they happen to be.

Research shows that in most families, Dad tends to be the rule-breaker, mess-maker, risk-taker, while Mom provides the TLC and respects routines. But the question remains—are these two very different styles confusing to kids?

"The bottom line for children is, 'I don't have just one and a half person who is nuts about me. I have two and they are kind of nuts about me in interesting ways. They bring out different parts of me,'" explains Kyle Pruett, M.D., a child psychiatrist and the author of "Father Need: Why Father Care Is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child."