Roseanne Tells All About Her Celebrity Grudges in New Book

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I know that there are a lot of books out there right now by well-known people in the comedy business, people who are utterly brilliant and have timely, relevant things to say -- funny things, poignant things that go straight to the heart after tickling the funny bone. Some of these talented figures, many younger than I, have enjoyed big success on TV more recently than I have, and they're getting rave reviews. I'm not too proud to say that I hate those people. But I can't let the jealousy I feel for them and my inability to focus keep me from trying to show them up and get out there and have my say, too!

I just know this book will be wildly successful and well received because I'm someone who surrounds myself with positive energy and light, someone who doesn't let negative, demoralizing words like failure or disappointment or exercise even begin to creep into her life. I learned an important, valuable lesson years ago, when I used to smoke three or four packs of cigarettes a day: I am no quitter! I do whatever it takes to make things work -- to make them fulfilling and joyous.

Roseanne Barr: 'Roseannearchy'

Hell, you want to see determination? I'll take my son's college money (I don't think he's college material anyway, but let's just keep that between us), give it to my personal assistant when she gets out of rehab, and have her buy thousands of these sons of bitches, ten at a time. I don't need Oprah's Book Club; I'll spend myself into the goddamn poorhouse, buying my own books by the truckload, and then get me one of them government bailouts! See what I'm saying? Those rookies at Goldman Sachs will come to me and ask how to work this free market ba-ziz-ness up in here! I do hope you like it, though -- yes, you, who are reading my words at this moment, this very moment, the only one we really have. Okay, there's this moment, too, but you know what I mean.

Think of this book as a big, fun, shiny fridge that you can open at three in the morning when your pill wears off and you realize your nightmare was more fun than your real life and you're looking for something tasty to read. Open this book and the light will come on, and you can just stare into it, like a clueless zombie who doesn't give a damn about low fat or fiber or cholesterol or corn syrup or blood pressure or any of that other crap the science nerds try to scare us into caring about -- then you can just start grabbing at things, unwrapping them, smelling them, trying some of this or that. Don't think of the slabs and slices and chunks of words as chapters that unfold in a logical manner or reveal some artfully woven plotline or ironclad womanifesto. Logical shmogical!

Think of it more like "Hey, this chocolate-covered strawberry really tastes good with a mouthful of bean-and-cheese burrito!

Now, where's the rest of that pumpkin pie?" (I just made myself hungry.)

Anyway, thanks for buying my book, my friend! Eat hearty, and we'll start our walking program next week -- next week for sure.

Till then: Bon app├ętit!

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