In the fifth grade, I had my first feelings of wanting to kiss the boys like the other girls did. During lunch period or recess, there would be games of Truth or Dare or Spin the Bottle. I always watched, but I never had the courage or confidence to play. I was afraid to be embarrassed. There were so many boys I wanted, but God forbid if they were grossed out and said no — it would have been too devastating.
A year later, I had two boyfriends on the string, and kissing was no problem. I was actually starting to think about sex. Looking back, I remember feeling sexual at a young age. I always knew there were ways to feel good and that the hormones would kick in. Growing up, I felt very open, and my mom was very cool about sex and feeling good. She caught me playing with myself early on, and she said it was normal, but there was a time and a place. She told me it was natural to discover your body, and that as I got older, these feelings would come more into play. I was mature for my age, just like my mom was, and I had my first period when I was ten. Once it all started, I knew I was a sexy little thing even though I was 25 or 30 pounds overweight. I lost my virginity when I was 13, but I didn't realize I was more advanced than most of my group. I thought I was the oddball and the outcast, when I was actually the one having sex before everyone else was.
Now I wish that I'd waited. I'd never encourage anyone to have sex at 13 years old. But I wasn't promiscuous. I'd been with my boyfriend for two years when we first made love. I remember going to spend the night at his house.
"Now don't do anything I wouldn't do," my mom said.
"Don't worry," I said. "I will."
"Carnie," she said, "please be careful."
My boyfriend had put the stereo together and had changed his room around just for me. His parents were home, and we tried to be very quiet. He had a little condom, and it was a very sweet thing. We thought we were being responsible, that we were ready, and that we were in love. Even so, I was nervous that I'd gotten pregnant, but my period arrived on my 14th birthday.
A year later, I had my first experience with marijuana, and I found my drug of choice — next to food, which has been the most powerful drug in my life, and probably always will be. But I loved the feeling of being stoned, and the smell and taste of pot — I still do. I'll smoke it occasionally now, but I don't buy it anymore or keep it in the house-and that helps me-because if there's dope around, I'll smoke it. I can't control myself.
© 2001 by Carnie Wilson, Published and distributed in the United States by: Hay House, Inc; P.O. Box 5100; Carlsbad, CA 92018-5100; (800) 654-5126