7 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone Who’s Had an Eating Disorder

— -- intro: Here’s a sobering fact: 30 million people in the U.S. will suffer from a diagnosable eating disorder during their lifetime, while many more cases go unreported. It’s likely that you have a friend, family member, or colleague who’s suffered from anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, or EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). But since there’s stigma surrounding mental illness in America, many choose to keep their struggle (and recovery process) under wraps.

If someone is open enough to tell you about their food issues, you don’t want to risk hurting them or triggering problematic thoughts by saying something inappropriate. Judith Mosesso, LMSW, primary therapist at the Renfrew Center in Old Greenwich, Connecticut, emphasizes that every patient is different—what makes one person uncomfortable may not bother another. But, as a rule of thumb, here are some topics and phrases to avoid.

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This is similar to telling a person with depression to “snap out of it”—it’s not that easy for those with an eating disorder to start eating “normally.” This question treats anorexia or bulimia like a diet plan chosen by the sufferer to help them lose weight, and it also discounts the depths of these diseases. As Mosesso points out, “these are mental illnesses. There is something going on in the chemistry of the brain that makes them behave like that.”

Sufferers often have deep-rooted anxieties surrounding certain foods or meals. The goal of treatment is to get over their fears and compulsions but recovery is a slow process. “Telling someone to just ‘get over it’ minimizes their feelings and can make the person feel weak,” she says. This often comes from lack of education about eating disorders. “People don’t realize that someone can get really sick from it,” Mosesso says. “They are shocked to find out someone could be hospitalized for anorexia.”

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quicklist: 2category: 7 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone Who’s Had an Eating Disordertitle: I wish I had your willpowerurl:text:

“They see this person as being very disciplined for their ability to restrict food,” she says. In reality, the person doesn’t want to have an eating disorder but is compelled to restrict or binge and purge. “An E.D. patient uses their behaviors around food as a way to control their emotions,” Mosesso says. The kind of language in the above phrase can reinforce disordered eating by giving them power, says Mosesso. When everything around them may feel chaotic or they feel they can’t do anything right, someone with an eating disorder can point to their restrictions, which are often “the only place where they are seeing success in their lives.”

quicklist: 3category: 7 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone Who’s Had an Eating Disordertitle: You don’t look that skinnyurl:text:

“Ask how you can be supportive,” Mosesso suggests, “and be there for them to do or say whatever they need. Don’t be confrontational and don’t become the ‘food police’—monitoring everything they put in their mouths.” You avoid talking only about their eating disorder, which can diminish who they are as a person. Mosesso stresses, “Don’t define them by their disease, encourage their individual thoughts, feelings and beliefs outside of recovery.”

This article originally appeared on Health.com.