Here's a phrase the Social Climber never thought she'd utter: Scott Disick, you are the father.
See, the trouble all started when male model Michael Girgenti waged a paternity lawsuit against the eldest Kardashian offspring, claiming he was the father of her 3-year-old son Mason, according to E! News.
But the lab results are in (seriously), and Kardashian says the tests show that Mason and Scott share the same genes, E! News reported.
"After three-and-a-half years of rumors and lies being spread by an individual I met briefly at a photo shoot, I am setting the record straight that Scott is Mason's father," Kardashian told E!. "While it saddens me to have to address these ridiculous lies, especially when the truth was never in doubt, this story must be put to rest."
Now, let's all go back to what it is we were doing before this Kourtney Kardashian paternity qualm.
When two trademark tastes join together to make a strangely flavored snack, it's hard to tell whether it's so right or so wrong.
Pepsi-flavored Cheetos hit shelves in Japan last month. We kid you not. While they're only available for a limited time, it's unlikely that the fizz-in-your-mouth snacks will be on hand to stock college dorm rooms and man caves any time soon, USA Today reported.
Apparently, mixing unexpected flavor combinations makes snacking "more pleasurable to the brain," food scientist Steven Witherly told USA Today.
News you can use.
Jennifer Aniston probably didn't expect to learn what the letters in her name could be rearranged to spell out on her press tour for "We're the Millers," but bumbling BBC 1 Radio DJ Chris Stark was eager to inform.
In another refreshingly hilarious celebrity interview, Stark told Aniston he felt like "a pig in a wig" after a team covered him in makeup so he'd look more "showbiz" for his interview.
(Quick refresher – Stark is the nervous reporter who asked Mila Kunis on a date during her "Oz the Great and Powerful" media blitz).
Stark, in fine form, asked the 44-year-old actress about her stripper-role research and whether famous people have a list of non-celebrities they want to sleep with.
The Social Climber likes your style, Stark.
The Internet was abuzz for months with rumors that the "Friends" cast was going to get back together and give hope to every TV viewer who is stuck watching the show's reruns on Nickelodeon for hours on end, which the Social Climber would never do.
Turns out the would-be reunion was so believable, even Lisa Kudrow thought it was happening without her.
"First of all, the graphics for this one thing was unbelievable," Kudrow said on "Conan," describing the website that touted the show's Thanksgiving 2014 return. "It looked really real. And then they were posting this article and the headline was like, 'NBC Confirms Five Out of the Six Friends Are In,' and I went, 'Oh, my God, they didn't ask me!'"
It wasn't until Kudrow realized NBC didn't produce the show that she could rest easy. But it's not that easy for the rest of us, Phoebs.
Stop whatever you're doing and take a moment to process this: You might not be doing time with Laura Prepon during your Season 2 "Orange Is the New Black" binge.
The actress, who plays Piper Chapman's on-and-off-again love interest Alex, will only return behind bars to wrap up her storyline on the must-watch Netflix series, Buzzfeed reported.
"Thank u all for the awesome comments & support of #OrangeIsTheNewBlack on #NetFlix It was a really fun project! Keep tweeting about. :)," Prepon tweeted. (Is the Social Climber being led on?)
"Our season is still developing and nothing is confirmed," a Netflix rep said in a statement to the Hollywood Reporter.
Representatives for Prepon declined to comment.
Florida has issued a warning to would-be swimmers after 12-year-old Zachary Reyna became infected with a deadly brain-eating parasite.
The amoeba infects people when they take in contaminated water through the nose, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
"We want to remind Floridians to be wary when swimming, jumping or diving in fresh water when water temperatures are high and water levels are low," the Department of Health said.
A Facebook page set up to support Zachary Reyna includes the hashtag #pray4number4 in honor of his baseball jersey number.
Misao Okawa better watch her back.
While the 115-year-old holds the World's Oldest Living Person title bestowed by Guinness World Records, a 123-year-old man in Bolivia might soon be challenging her for the supercentenarian honor.
According to Bolivian public records, a man named Carmelo Flores Laura, born July 16, 1890, is the oldest living person, The Associated Press reported.
Flores is so old he doesn't have a birth certificate -- get this -- because they didn't exist then, the director of Bolivia's civil registrar told the AP.
Even Flores has lost track of his age.
"I should be about 100 years old or more," he said.
Calm, cool and collected?
Apparently when the Navy SEALs were closing in on Osama bin Laden, the president eschewed the Situation Room for the White House private dining room for a friendly game -- or 15 -- of cards, Obama's former aide Reggie Love said in a Q&A at UCLA.
That's right, Obama played cards. Love's comments, which took place earlier this summer, just gained traction this week, NPR reported.
"[The president] was like, 'I'm not, I can't, I'm not going to be down there, I can't watch this entire thing,' just, so he, myself, Pete Souza, the White House photographer, Marvin [Nicholson], we played, we must have played 15 hands, 15 games of spades," Love said.