Seven free-agent résumés

• Outfielder, Houston Astros, 2004
Batted .435 with eight home runs and 14 RBIs in 12 postseason games. Eight home runs in 12 games! And then the Astros let me go. And people wonder why Houston has never won a World Series and has lost 100 games three years in a row?

• Outfielder, Kansas City Royals, 1998-2004
Averaged 25 home runs, 103 RBIs and 110 runs in four full seasons. Not that it did any good. I was playing in Kansas City.

EDUCATION

Fernando Callejo High School, Manati, Puerto Rico

The School of Hard Knocks: Aka, 16 years in the majors, with no World Series ring to show for it. That, alas, has taught me more than I wish.

REFERENCES

Roughly 300 former teammates. But contact Raul Ibanez, former Kansas City teammate, who also has never won a World Series. He knows what I'm talking about.


Mike Napoli

QUALIFICATIONS

Major league first baseman/catcher/DH and World Series champion who has reached the postseason six times in seven seasons with three different teams -- and two of those same teams missed the postseason immediately after they let me go. Coincidence? I think not.

EXPERIENCE

• First baseman, Boston Red Sox, 2013
Helped lead Red Sox from last-place finish to world championship by hitting 23 home runs and 38 doubles, driving in 92 runs, playing superb defense and balancing team budget by significantly cutting electric bills by inspiring teammates to not shave all season.

• Catcher, Texas Rangers, 2011-12
Helped Rangers to within one strike of 2011 world championship by batting .320 with 30 home runs and a 1.046 OPS. Earned spot on 2012 All-Star team and reached postseason again. Also made rival Anaheim Angels look very, very stupid for trading me for Vernon Wells and the $84 million remaining on his contract.

• Catcher, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 2006-10
Averaged nearly 20 home runs per season and helped Angels reach the postseason three times (oh, and by the way, the Angels haven't played in the postseason since they traded me, while I have since helped two other teams to the World Series. Just saying.)

EDUCATION

Charles W. Flanagan High School, Pembroke Pines, Fla.
Helped turn around program that went on to win three state championships.

REFERENCES

• Oh, just about 15 million citizens of Red Sox Nation. Go ahead. Call one.

• American Beard and Mustache Institute


Octavio Dotel

QUALIFICATIONS

Fifteen-year major league veteran with considerable skills pitching out of a bullpen and living out of a suitcase.

FORMER EMPLOYERS

• Detroit Tigers, 2012-13
• St. Louis Cardinals, 2011
• Toronto Blue Jays, 2011
• Colorado Rockies, 2010
• Los Angeles Dodgers, 2010
• Pittsburgh Pirates, 2010
• Chicago White Sox, 2008-09
• Atlanta Braves, 2007
• Kansas City Royals, 2007
• New York Yankees, 2006

Wait, do I have to list ALL of my former employers? If so, I'm going to need two pages, possibly three or four. Speaking of which, don't you already have my résumé on file from when I worked for you earlier?

EDUCATION

Liceo Eansino Afuera High School, Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic
They say travel is the greatest education of all. If so, I also have a PhD.

REFERENCES

Page
  • 1
  • |
  • 2
  • |
  • 3
Join the Discussion
You are using an outdated version of Internet Explorer. Please click here to upgrade your browser in order to comment.
blog comments powered by Disqus
 
You Might Also Like...