Funnies: Don't Make Oprah Mad

A roundup of the late-night comics.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Leno: It was on this day in 1690 -- 1690 -- the first paper money in America was issued … which of course led to the creation of the Republican Party.

Saturday Night Live

Tina Fey: On Tuesday, Alan Greenspan retired as chairman of the Federal Reserve. When 5 o'clock rolled around, Greenspan did what he's done every day for the past 18 years. He put on an overcoat, stuffed his pockets with $1,000 bills and casually walked out of the building.

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: Within the confines of Oprah's book club, truth prevailed. And the following news cycle was dominated by the scandal and the larger lessons for all of us.

[montage of newscasts]

Soledad O'Brien: Do not piss off Oprah.

Anderson Cooper: Oprah's power is undeniable. So is her anger.

Terry Moran [voice over]: And in the world according to Oprah, for people who fib there are consequences.

[end montage of newscasts]

Stewart: Consequences for those who fib. Reporters were stunned that someone investigated a lie and declared it to be untrue. In the news world, TV interviews work something like this:

Larry Kudlow [clip of interview with Vice President Dick Cheney]: Did you get a fair shake in the media on the economy? Isn't the economy kind-of an underrated story?

Stewart: Innit? … Why does James Frey get tougher treatment than our government? Well, I'll tell you why. Because he misled us into a book we had no business getting into.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Leno: Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. President Bush said that Sam's got the intellect necessary to bring a lot of class to the court. That's what he said. Yeah, like the rest of the judges are sitting around in their underpants eating Cheetos, you know.

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: But the Democrats picked [Virginia Gov. Tim] Kaine for more than just his arched eyebrow and sweet crib. The man delivers serious rebuttal.

(Show video of Tim Kaine's Democratic response to the State of the Union Address)

Gov. Kaine [video of Kaine's Democratic response to President Bush's State of the Union address] I want to offer some good news tonight. There is a better way. … To our children and grandchildren, there's a better way. … Helping to get their children through college, there's a better way. … There's a better way. … There's a better way.

Stewart: So if you know that better way, please send it to Democratic Headquarters, Box 18, Washington, D.C.. And hurry, the elections are nine months away.