Feb. 14, 2013 -- We realize people can get pretty down on Valentine's Day. If you're unhappily single, it serves as a cutting reminder that you're not part of a couple feeding one another spaghetti and meatballs mama bird-style. And if you're happily single or in a relationship, the holiday can still prove irksome, what with all its false sentimentality, materialism, and showiness. But that's not to say Valentine's Day is all bad.
After all, you don't need to spend lots of money on cards and chocolates and black market organs and flowers to have a nice Valentine's Day, and you are by no means obligated to spend the day with a romantic love interest and/or sidepiece. In fact, you can wait until the day after Valentine's Day -- February 15th -- and celebrate everyone's favorite holiday that they've never heard of because we've only just come up with it: Vallentimes Day.
It's a bit like Valentine's Day, only for best friends. And no pink or hearts. And more chocolate.
Here's how to do it up right:
Spend the day with someone you truly love.
Think about the people you call your friends. Do you really enjoy their company? Do you admire them? Respect them? Root for them? Do they treat you the way you want to be treated? If any don't, toss 'em out. Unfriend, unfollow. And then give thanks for the ones who truly care. The first rule of Vallentimes Day is that it cannot be spent with anyone with whom you don't absolutely want to spend it.
Do not buy presents.
The second rule of Vallentimes Day is "no presents." Heart-shaped jewelry is cheesy, last-minute gifts can be insulting, and the popularity of stuffed animals as Valentine's Day presents just baffles us completely. Nothing screams "I want to have sexual relations with or near your body" less than the exchange of plush children's toys. Your BFF's company should be enough. So no presents.
All meals must be chocolate.
The best part about Valentine's Day (besides love and blah blah blah cuddles whatever blah) is the chocolate.* And on Vallentimes Day, there's no need to moderate your chocolate consumption. Just eat all of it. Chocolate shakes, chocolate cakes, chocolate cookies, chocolate martinis, chocolate beer, chocolate vodka, chocolate gin, chocolate rum, chocolate whiskey.** It's your day, boo, and your best friend isn't going to love you any less just because your teeth are smeared in fudge and you're feeling too bloated for sexytimes.
*If you're one of those people who insists she doesn't like chocolate, then sit down. You're not allowed to celebrate Vallentimes Day.
**White chocolate is not chocolate. It's a mistake.
Make a pact.
"Corny" can too often be another word for "sincere." Go ahead and be corny if you need to by forming a pact with your best friend. It can involve anything from vowing to celebrate Vallentimes Day together every hear, circumstances be damned, to promising to never, ever, ever send one another chain emails featuring .gifs of crying bald eagles. Do whatever makes the most sense for your friendship.
Keep it off the internet.
You know who cares about how you spent your Valentine's Day? No one. So keep that in mind during Vallentimes Day and, remember: If it's safe enough to broadcast across your various social networks, you're not celebrating right.
Remember to don the traditional Vallentimes Day attire.
In an ode to the best pair of friends who ever was or will be, remember to wear a T-shirt featuring Courtney Stodden and her dog/BFF Dourtney. And while Valentine's Day is usually associated with the colors red and pink, on Vallentimes Day we wear gold and polka dots of any color. Likewise, instead of hearts, Vallentimes Day is marked by the liver, the organ used most on this most special of holidays.
Sing the traditional Vallentimes Day hymn.
Stand facing your friend. Place your palms out in front of you, asking your friend to do the same. Stare deeply into one another's eyes. Then, mirroring one another's movements, perform the theme song from Golden Girls.
...But, most of all, remember to have fun. Take some time to appreciate the people who make your life a little nicer.