SATIRE: Goodbye Privacy, Hello America: A Paranoid Immigrant's Journey

Who needs privacy when you have America?

June 17, 2013— -- NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden may have happily defected from the US but as a Peruvian immigrant who worked hard (acted really white) to come here, I never want to leave America ever ever ever.

That is why when Snowden told the world about a giant government database keeping tabs on me (and well, everyone else), I decided to go ahead and send the US government even more information.

As an avid fan of democracy, I've done my best never to associate with socialists, Marxists, hairdressers, etc, but I did buy a Che Guevara shirt online once… So, I hope to quell any fears the US may have about keeping me around.

Elise Roedenbeck is a writer and comedian who frequently smells nice and showers regularly.