Working Wounded: Addressing Abuse

Jan. 13, 2005 — -- DEAR WOUNDED: A guy at work is always giving me a hard time. But recently it's gotten really nasty. What are my options?

ANSWER: A friend of mine works at the airport as a reservations supervisor. Whenever I pass through her town, I always head over to her counter. I've watched a lot of passengers harass and abuse the ticket agents as I've waited to talk to my friend. I asked her about this once, and she confided in me, "That's why I can't hire straight men. They always want to pick a fight when someone attacks them. This is a job that only women or gay men can do, because there is so much nasty stuff you have to deal with."

To most people, dealing with an abusive person falls into these categories. Either you fight back or you get out. But it's important to remember that there is often another option: engaging the abuser. I've listed some strategies below to start the dialogue. For more, check out "You Can't Talk to Me That Way," by Arthur Bell (Career, 2005).

Do you repeat the abusive phrase? It's amazing how just saying the word aloud can sometimes show the other person how out of line they are. OK, if it were always this easy abuse wouldn't be something that I have gotten hundreds of e-mails about. If repeating the phrase doesn't work, here are some other options:

Is there a third party that can help? There are often channels that you can look to for help -- Human Resources, a supervisor or someone the abuser trusts. Often there is help out there, we just don't take the time to find it.

Do you keep a journal of the abusive behavior? The paper trail. Eventually there could be an investigation, and having evidence of the behavior could really help you. Heck, most of us can't remember a conversation we had earlier today, so your journal entries could become the evidence that clearly illustrates the behavior you had to deal with.

Ask, "Are you finished?" Ask if the abusive behavior is over. If it isn't, tell the abuser that you'll leave and not return until his or her behavior is more acceptable. Obviously, this runs the risk of instigating more abuse. But in my personal experience, more often than not it can get a person to act more reasonably.

Can you just leave? Some people can't be reasoned with because they're too angry or abusive. Pursuing something with a person in this state can be risky, so sometimes it's best to just leave and wait until tempers cool off.

Is your résumé ready? Unfortunately, many companies don't take abusive behavior seriously. Especially if the abuser is an executive or a high performer. This won't seem fair, but sometimes it's just easier to leave.

Most of us don't have to face the level of abuse that a ticket agent does at the airport. By using these strategies you may be able to fly around the abusive behavior where you work.

We'd like to hear your strategy for dealing with abuse at work. I'll give an autographed copy of "Working Wounded: Advice that adds insight to injury" (Warner, 2000) to the best submission. Send your entry, name and address via: http://workingwounded.com or via e-mail: bob@workingwounded.com. Entries must be received by Wednesday, Jan. 18.

Here are the results from a recent workingwounded.com/ABCNews.com online ballot:

Our winning strategy for networking comes from D.A. in New York, N.Y.:

"I practice the art of random acts of kindness. I go out of my way to do favors for people I barely know. You can't believe when you start doing this how much people remember what you did and seek to repay you somewhere down the line. The common belief is that people will screw you given the chance, my experience is the exact opposite. If you hate the environment where you work, don't just complain, do something to change it. That is a power that we all have."

Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. His newest best-seller, "Gray Matters: The Workplace Survival Guide" (Wiley, 2004), is a business comic book that trades cynicism for solutions. Ask Bob a question: bob@workingwounded.com or http://graymattersbook.com.

This work is the opinion of the columnist and in no way reflects the opinion of ABC News.