Who pays for the wedding? Traditional etiquette doesn't always hold

NEW YORK -- Attire, travel, food, liquor, flowers: There's no end to expenses when it comes to traditional weddings.

Through time, though certainly not always, it was the bride's parents who were expected to pay the bulk of expenses, but like so many aspects of weddings, the etiquette has gotten more fluid. The ages of first-time bridal couples is going up. Parents might be older too, and thinking about saving for retirement or already on fixed incomes.

So who pays and how much?

Now, “it’s really a candid conversation" between the couple and those who might want to contribute, said Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute and co-host of the “Awesome Etiquette” podcast.

“Often it’s parents, but that’s not the case for everybody,” she said. “Never assume that anyone else is going to contribute to your wedding.”

Jove Meyer, a wedding planner and designer in New York, agreed.

“We have found over the years that it’s definitely shifted,” he said. “It's hard to talk about money, but it's one of the most important questions couples have to ask.”

Among U.S. users of the wedding planning site The Knot, parents on average contribute slightly more than half the wedding budget, with bridal couples covering the rest, said editor Sarah Hanlon.

The ages of first-time couples have steadily risen for both men and women since 1998. The median age for men getting married for the first time was 30.2 last year, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. It was 28.4 for women. In 1947, the medians were 23.7 for men and 20.5 for women.

“As couples marry later in life and are often more financially established, many choose to cover the majority of expenses, or even the entire wedding, themselves, sometimes accepting contributions from their families as a gesture of support rather than obligation,” said Myka Meier of Beaumont Etiquette in New York.

In other cases, parents might have saved over the years with a wedding fund.

The average combined cost of a non-destination wedding ceremony and reception last year among U.S. users of The Knot was $35,000. That was up by about $5,000 from 2022, likely due to inflation and the overall economic landscape. The average cost of a destination wedding and reception was $41,000. First marriages tend to be more expensive than second marriages.

Meyer said weddings can cost far more in places like New York City, where he sees costs as high as $100,000 plus.

Many young people look to Pinterest, Instagram and TikTok for wedding ideas, he said. The issue: Posters put up lovely photos with no price tags.

“I think a lot of couples today, not to their own fault, have no idea what a wedding costs,” he said.

Etiquette on ponying up was clearer in the past.

The list for the bride’s side was long: the engagement party, wedding planner, invitations, photography, videography, venue, bride’s attire, floral arrangements, decor, wedding cake, most reception expenses and more.

Among a groom’s responsibilities: The marriage license and officiant fee, corsages and boutonnières for family members on both sides, rehearsal dinner costs and, sometimes, alcohol for the reception.

All of those costs are now an open question for many couples for a number of reasons.

Many of the couples that Meyer sees paying for weddings themselves are same-sex couples, and couples who face a lot of unwanted strings attached to money offered by parents.

“The people who are paying are those with the resources and/or those with the most requests. Money is power. With same-sex couples, more and more they’re paying for it themselves. That’s the largest number for sure,” he said.

Added Hanlon, of The Knot: “Now more than ever, couples are tossing out traditional wedding etiquette rules, especially those that are gendered or based on heteronormative relationships.”

Meier, the etiquette expert, noted that religious and cultural norms often dictate which family pays for the wedding, and how much they spend.

If steadfast etiquette isn't in place, Nick Leighton of the etiquette podcast “Were You Raised by Wolves?" said it's increasingly common for expenses to be shared among both families and the couple.

“Each party contributes what they wish,” he said. “That often means that each party will contribute a different amount, which is perfectly reasonable.”

With bridal couples getting older, wedding costs often collide with other pricey desires, like buying a home.

And parents who have saved up to make their children's wedding dreams come true are more often leaving it up to offspring to decide what to spend those nest eggs on.

At 55, Tammy Mickle in Holland Patent, New York, is a semi-retired school teacher, working three days a week come fall. Her husband retired several years ago. Their only child, a 24-year-old daughter, is a school social worker living at home while she saves money. She and her boyfriend of about two years recently broke up.

The Mickles have been socking away money every week for their daughter's wedding, amassing about $60,000. That's $5,000 less than their daughter makes in a year.

“She's been looking at houses recently and just the other night said, Mom, do you think instead of using that money for my wedding, could I use it for a house now? I was like, if that’s what you want to use it for that’s fine.”

Other parents said they, too, are leaving it up to the kids to decide how to spend wedding funds. Meyer warns that the money may not be enough in the long run to fulfill the wedding fantasies of their kids.

“Of course, wealthy people have the resources to do what they like,” he said. “We tell everyone a wedding isn't worth going into debt for. You know, it’s an amazing party, but what else in your life are you looking forward to?”