'SpongeBob' Less Absorbing on Big Screen

Nov. 19, 2004 — -- Now in theaters: "The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie" and "National Treasure."

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

"SpongeBob SquarePants" is genius TV. It gets kids on one level and grown-ups like me on a lower level. I love the TV show, which is probably why I didn't like the movie. It's like when you love a book you're almost always disappointed with the film.

"The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie" may be bigger, spongier and more absorbent. But it's not nearly as clever for 10 bucks as what we get to see on TV for free. Even Mr. Krabs is barely there. SpongeBob's meowing pet snail, Gary, is gone after his first meow.

In their place, we have Alec Baldwin as the voice of the villain and Scarlett Johansson as Neptune's daughter. David Hasselhoff shows up in a live-action sequence, but he's less animated than the cartoon characters.

In one sequence, SpongeBob and his starfish pal, Patrick, stop off at an ice cream bar and get roaring drunk on a month's worth of sundaes. It's not funny, and it may not be something you want your kids to see.

It's not a bad movie. But it's funnier on TV, and it's free. My advice: Watch "SpongeBob" on cable and take the kids to see "The Polar Express" or "The Incredibles." Grade: C+

National Treasure

If Thomas Jefferson or Benjamin Franklin had somehow been able to see into the future and knew someone would make this movie, today we might all be speaking with English accents and driving on the wrong side of the street.

In "National Treasure," Nicolas Cage plays a man convinced that there's a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence that leads to a $10 billion treasure. Government officials think he and his friend are kooks.

"Why would we make this up?" Cage asks.

That's exactly the question I was asking myself for two hours the night before last. To be precise, the exact question was: Why would anyone make this up?

Nothing that happens is remotely possible. The premise for the film makes a great movie pitch and a terrific 30-second commercial. But two hours of this farfetched treasure hunt -- as Thomas Paine might have put it -- is a time that tries men's souls.

America is a land that offers second chances. Cage is a fine actor and Jerry Bruckheimer is a director I like. They'll work again. If Jefferson had been a movie critic, he might have put it this way: If you are in search of your inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness this weekend, go see another movie! Grade: C.